The Introduction to the Pantheon
Pantheon Superstar Notes and Quotes
The Drug-free Wall
“Ashley, would you like to give to the prayer wall against drug abuse? If you give a thousand dollars today every school in Kentucky will honor you in daily prayers.”
“You got it, kid.... Here’s a blank check. Buy yourself some ice cream. If you make it Graeter’s, I’ll give you two blank checks. It’s all on the house, the house of the Lord...”
“Ma’am, Ms. Paltrow? Would you like to give, give for drug free schools? If you give five thousand dollars your name will be on the drug free Hall of Fame Wall in every school in California — including your kids school.”
“Charlize Theron, would you like to give to a drug free America?”
“I’m sorry. I’m late for... Well, I’m late for the set...”
“Ms. Graham, would you like to help us make America drug free?”
The morale, if there is one: It’ll take much more than Trump’s wall to keep imbibers from imbibing. Surprisingly, there is ambivalence in many circles to even have a drug policy. If anyone wants to get blotto, and maybe stay that way, is that the doper’s decision, or one we should be dealing with? The former is the philosophy in Amsterdam.
If you prevent people from doing drugs, people will want to do drugs in rebellion over being told what to do. This is a known phenomenon. When former President, Richard Nixon, had his war on drugs, did teens from then say this? “Sure, I’ll do whatever Nixon would like me to do, including, but not limited to, murdering innocent, impoverished Vietnamese in rice paddies.” Nixon was not the best authority on how to live life.
As a public health policy, addiction can be treated on the supply side with troops and police, or on the demand side with counselors. The problem with supply side drug policy, is that no government has ever stifled the need for some to get high in the first place. Don’t believe me? Then do you think Prohibition worked?...
The roles played in this sketch are entirely fictitious. There is no similarity between those in this sketch, and their real-life counterparts. Right? Right...
Mister White Agita
I have been writing this column for fifteen years now. It’s a dead end job, but I know how to write profiles on starlets. Things were going fine until this dork from ops research showed up giving me no end of agitation. Ops research is operations research, they are our tac-ti-cal advisors at Other Letter. Mister White wants hard-hitting journalism, he wants independence from the pack, he wants to put People, Entertainment Weekly in the dust.
I just can’t take this a-hole of a — “Hi, Mister White. How are you today? Good?... That’s good... Catch the Knicks game?... Jenkins was unstoppable, he could not miss from three-point land... Yes, I was just about to write-up the Swift, Judd, and Kidman exposés.
“Great thinking, Mister White, to make hard-edged critiques of these women. The competition does eat out of these girls’ hands... I will see you at the executive cafeteria...” What an effing dork. I can’t stand that guy...
—This case study is included in an Other Business School curriculum.
Free Karlie Kloss
Are Karlie Kloss, and Joshua Kushner, her business tycoon husband, having marital difficulties? If I were to hazard a guess, Karlie is cringing over hitching with a Trump in-law (Joshua is Jared’s brother who is Ivanka’s husband). Karlie has tremendous ambition, but she must have woken up one morning beside three degrees of separation away from Trump. How much of the couple’s ambition is unbridled ambition?
Anyhow, here is a recent photo of the loving couple. Karlie is wearing an artistic, expressive and flowing, designer dress, Joshua is wearing much less fashionable clothing. They have been married for two years, and appear to no longer be in the honeymoon phase of marriage. My opinion is that Karlie might want to marry a man more in keeping with her values. Shacking up with the Red Team must have scared away much of her Swifty squad.
Ms. Kloss is very personable, is just as intelligent, and she possesses super-model looks (for good measure, she has her famous dimpled-smile). At last check, she was a better dancer than Taylor Swift. Given her assets, finding a more compatible man shouldn’t be any problem at all for her.
It is already about time for Karlie to produce an heir, and with none forthcoming, I wonder why this has been put on hold. Anyhow, regardless of where she stands with Kushner, I wish her all the best. 7/12/20.
Friendly Advice: Leave your Boobs Alone
Women all around Hollywood often ask me if they should get their boobs worked on. I always have these pearls of advice: “Leave them be.” Any girl with a big rack that gets them reduced spends an eternity in Hell wishing she could get them back.
Just look at Jennifer Connelly, and Maggie Gyllenhaal. Each of them could kick themselves for getting theirs reduced. Maggie has been reduced (figuratively and literally) to doing voiceovers for the Maine Bureau of Tourism (“Spend this winter with the elk”), and Jenny is shilling Moxie soda (she’s from Upstate New York).
Yet look who’s sitting pretty: Salma Hayek, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Christina Hendricks. True, all three have been on and off morphine to deal with the back strain of carrying bowling balls on their chests, but they are working full-time in either cinema, television, or industrial musicals of trade shows.
Ms. Hendricks helped design a brassiere so advanced in its cantilevered bracing that she needed to collaborate with NASA and their Space Program, and in the process, earned eleven patents for just the hoisting apparatus.
Chrissy Tiegen is about to get her boobs reduced in size. To guys, this demotes her to Mrs. John Legend... Actually, she had implants removed, so there cannot be any shame in that...
I cover plenty of bizarre stuff on this beat, but check these out. Ms. Tiegen had implants removed, and they’re still over-sized. Why did she bother getting implants in the first place? Because she never needed them.
Let it be known, Chrissy Tiegen is a masochist for putting herself through the augmentation, and then the reduction of her breasts...
As the year closes, The Other Letter Pantheon must cull the herd. Because of the limited clout I have, the only way I can effect any change at all is by removing from the Pantheon the less than desirable and exemplary. If these women ever clean up their acts, they can resubmit their application for admittance.
Until they get it together, my readership will take a huge hit as these three — Ashley, Gwynnie, and Nikky — are the favorite destinations in all Other Letter. I will soon be swimming in debt, and begging friends and acquaintances for loans, or outright, cash handouts. If Other Letter is crushed with unpaid debts, these are the girls we should feel free to blame.
The following Pantheon women do not meet our modest criteria for inclusion, and have been excised here:
Ashley Judd prays in the direction of Jerusalem for world peace, and for a continued supply of her cherished Milky Way bars as she now weighs over four-hundred-and-fifty pounds. Besides praying for candy, Ashley also prays for grandma roles worthy of her talents. More than anything else in Creation, Ashley desperately needs the soft imaginary touch of her Baby Jesus, and his whispered comfort and conversation.
Ashley has often said that were it not for Baby Jesus, her only other friend would be Mother Nature where she sets up her tent ten to twelve months of every year. This is where she first got hooked up with Milky Way bars, for energy at first, then for companionship. Other hikers can sense her nearby, as the ground quakes. Ashley once needed to be Medivac-ed out of the Smoky Mountains as she rolled on her side like a flipped turtle. The copter could barely lift her off of the ground, as she exceeds passenger-weight specs for Sikorsky horizontal-rotor craft.
60 Minutes did a segment on Ashley entitled, This Woman-Child from Kentucky. In it, a neighbor recounts a typical summer night: “Ashley runs down from the hill country in the buff, and speaking in tongues. So yesirree, Bob, she is a bit strange for these parts...”
Everywhere on Goop, Gwynnie represents herself as a paragon of virtue, and Christian living, never good times, but there does appear to be more to this story.
Replying to a Christmas 2019, question from BFF, Kate Hudson, Gwyneth Paltrow said that she drinks every day, and doesn’t care that she does (mobile devices cannot process offset, so the Youtube should be set at 6:16 to witness Gwynnie’s mea culpa). To anyone familiar with Alcoholics Anonymous, drinking daily is a sure sign of being afflicted with the disease of alcoholism.
As part of her Pantheon Rehabilitation Program, we have sent her the names of several long-term, State facilities, with nominal cost. Gwynnie’s kids will become wards of the State. This way her moppets can keep their standard of living above that of Hondurans. Gwynnie has accepted all this, as she forfeited all rights to circulate among the civilized. In the cruelest twist of fate, Goop operations, now in receivership, will be handed over to her arch-nemesis, Martha Stewart.
In more damning Gwynnie news, she is the new face of Dubai luxury. Ms. Paltrow has done promos for this city in the United Arab Emirates. The only problem being that this city has a terrible human rights record, and she is implicitly endorsing an evil regime. She may have uncovered this fact, and severed ties with everyone who set her up for this; or she did nothing, and intends to do more for Dubai, the UAE, and their “good life.” So far, she’s said nothing about her dunderheaded gaffe, or is it just another hefty, Marvel-size, paycheck? Maybe she is just putting her head in the sand, hoping the controversy will die down, and then endorse a San Francisco travel campaign for the next go round of promotions.
Everyone knows how bright Gwynnie is, but does she intend to use this intelligence in a Trumpian way? Will she say that this interchange with Kate Hudson was “perfect,” and provide an elaborate cover up as the Donald would? Or would she follow the progressive lead and admit all wrongdoing, including admissions before a jury of her peers? À la Jimmy Swaggart, will she beg for forgiveness from her family, her friends, and most importantly, her public-at-large? Other Letter will keep you posted on all new, and vital, developments.
I know for a fact that Gwynnie appreciates this intervention, so don’t worry about her putting out a hit on me, especially when I ♥ Radio has done so already (get whom?).
Then there’s Nicole Kidman. My readers are crying: “Is no one sacred in an Other Pantheon world?” No, if you run afoul of our guidelines, there is no place to run, or to hide. Nicole is so fawning, and so clingy over her husband who isn’t affectionate in return.
It is nauseating. Her touchy-feeliness is likely trying to make up for getting stewed to cope with what is apparently a completely-tanked, and loveless, marriage. Then there is this: Nicole is pale-skinned, and she is Northern European (or Australian, same thing), so is she in the Gwynnie Alcoholics Anonymous camp?
Will Nikky, fully resistant to treatment, and avoiding Twelve-Step program, be joining Gwynnie in the day room, one without windows, at some anonymous, poorly-run, State facility for those deep in the cups? A place without visitors, and where you’re only identified by number, not name, where corporal punishment methods are still used, and where the meals are thrown on the floor, to be fought over. This is no Siberian Gulag, this is modern day alcoholism treatment for the Southern and Hollywood impoverished.
While Stateside alternatives to AA are approximate to prison camps, down under they resemble POW camps for American soldiers in the 1960s. Because of Nicole’s proximity to Cambodia, she should expect tiger cage lock downs, and dinners of raw gristle. Most Asians of great means are able to opt for the Betty Fu Center in Sydney.
Nikky, however, will have her money tied up in litigation over where the kids will be sent for foster care, so she will be spending months, or even years, in the tiger cage. Nicole may be able to trade Eyes Wide Shut performances for cigarettes and leniency, so the beatings will not be as severe as she will deserve.
I hate to the bearer of bad news, but at the rate Nikky is going, she’ll have a tough time getting work acting in commercials, forget feature-length movies...
Wait, wait, I’m not done with Nikky yet. She skipped out on quarantine in a State-run hotel because she thought it was beneath her. Word is out now that Ms. Kidman has personally infected all of Australia with Coronavirus because of both her thoughtlessness and self-centeredness. There is a hot, dark place in Hell, Nicole, for those who poison their own kind. We’re watching you, Kidman.
Reese Witherspoon continues to fraternize with the enemy, the enemy being Oprah Winfrey and Meryl Streep. More than anything, Oprah wants ratings, and will get them anyway she can. This includes taking down Michael Jackson with those perjuring their own court testimony. Tragically, Witherspoon thinks Streep is the world’s best actress. Sure she is, if exaggerated, arms-flailing, non-organic acting is the criteria.
Reese’s production company promotes women, not men, so how is this not reverse sexism? Reese is noted for her perkiness, but for a Hollywood mogul, do we think she’s hip enough? Reese could use some street cred. Sell your body for crack cocaine, and get back to us, Witherspoon.
Other Letter readers often corner me at exclusive parties, and ask: “Why was Jennifer Aniston removed from the Pantheon?”
I reply: “Because she was never included. I never understood Jennifer’s star-vehicle, Friends. Did anyone? What is the subtext for this congregation of so-called buddies? Only in season nineteen, did the troupe come out as either gay and/or lesbian or a non-binary mix.
“While each of the Friends girls were promiscuous, Monica was the one most available for any and all comers. Season twenty-seven opened with her chasing down some guy in a tuxedo for a meal ticket, and Joey running for the United States Senate. Both events were followed by lengthy, house meetings, led by concerned yet perplexed, Rachel and Chandler, with their now famous call-to-arms, “it’s time to sort this crap out.” Friends had officially jumped the shark.
“The all-time funniest Friends episode was the one where Ross bought a chick for Joey’s birthday, and Joey didn’t realize until too late that he was getting a chicken, and not the girl of his dreams. Hilarity ensued, if and only if, you had no other exposure to humor. Yet most watched Friends because this was Gilligan’s Island for the 1990s, a mindless romp with updated Gingers and Mary Annes shimmying to native rhythms.
“As for Rachel’s obvious overtures towards the other female cast members, there was never full exposition. Viewers were left wondering, that Rachel-Phoebe axis, why did this never evolve? Rachel, Phoebe, and Monica lived in the same apartment, yet there was never any testing or breaking societal demands for heterosexual relationships? Was Friends filmed in 1995 or 1955?
“Was Friends meant to be a celebration of girlfriends, heterosexual pairing in infinite combinatorics? Then there’s the congregation’s mecca, the Central Perk. Sure Rachel, Phoebe, and Monica, were perky, that is the obvious metaphor, but is that the full culmination of womanhood, and feminine wiles, to simply be perky? As for sexual congress, all were chaste until Rachel married the Tom Cruise look-alike, thus ending all romantic tension.
“Without subtext, each characters’ motives remained a mystery. With so much left unresolved, can one actually say they were truly a Friends fan? No, of course not, Friends was a source of endless frustration, for all but those shut-in and watching in institutional day rooms, like felons doing hard time. Was this their intended demographic as often suggested in season-opening press junkets?”
My fellow party-goer scratches their head, “But wasn’t it at least revelatory in its breaching of 90’s sexual morés?”
“You don’t know how wrong you are, because...” Another exclusive party wasted discussing Friends sexual gamesmanship ad infinitum.
Anyhow, this is why Jennifer Aniston isn’t included in the Pantheon...
Salma Hayek is Ashley’s bff from their days on the set of Frida. Here’s a few surprises about Salma. Did you know that because Salma is so top-heavy, she has a walker? She might go wheelchair when the going gets tough, but mostly it’s the walker.
Salma cannot stand upright without a back brace. Every movie, if you pay close attention, she’s always reaching for a wall for support. She regularly face plants, even in restaurants, into the entré. In most scenes, she’s sitting, not standing, to avoid face plant reshoots. Salma has annual back surgery, not just an exam, surgery.
All these girls in the Pantheon get hit on every day, in any situation. I’d imagine it gets very annoying after awhile, although in any boring, social situation, I bet Salma knows to lean over and offer peeks to advance her twisted agenda.
Anyhow, Salma is taken, by a guy who could easily buy Fort Knox’s gold, so we very wisely exclude her from the Pantheon.
In Salma’s stead, and in her class of top-heaviness, but somehow even more stacked, we have Christina Hendricks. She looks like the most sweet-hearted woman, she always looks happy. For those keeping score at home, Christina starred in Mad Men as Joan. Joan was beleaguered as the ambitious girl in the secretarial pool, in the male-dominated world of 1960s, Madison Avenue advertising.
Ashley Judd would have been on her way out of the Pantheon due to her associations with bad elements. If you follow this Pantheon you know we mean Pope Jorge (his real name), anti-Choice Melinda Gates, and tax-evader, Bono (his alias). A little birdie told me she is not so foolish anymore, but I still have her on Double Secret Probation to avoid relapses. Because she is Harvard-educated, she is double trouble.
Tina Fey was pulled because she backed Jimmy Fallon. This was after the firestorm he created when he snuggled up with Trump on the Tonight Show during his election campaign.
My complaint with Fey of Saturday Night Live infamy, and her ilk as well, is that her SNL stole the writers of: National Lampoon, Second City TV, and Mad TV, then replaced these great shows with often unwatchable drivel (this point about talent theft was made very clearly in the film, National Lampoon: Drunk Stoned Brilliant Dead).
To add insult to injury, they had host Trump twice, before he was elected President with fewer votes than his opponent, Hillary Clinton (the election heist was pulled off via the Electoral College’s wealthy people loophole, where land mass means more than the size of the electorate — just like in the Senate).
Tina has begun petitioning for inclusion back in to the Pantheon U.S. Edition, but frankly, we do not see this ever being ruled in her favor. It’s like having a felony on your rap sheet, even if you become Mother Teresa, it stays there forever. Don’t expect me to pardon you, Fey, it ain’t gonna happen. Sorry. Many are called, but few are chosen.
Tina, I know you’re out there, don’t bother resubmitting your application. It is a lengthy, time-consuming, and expensive process. You may think you’re made of money until you find yourself caught in the legal morass that is the Pantheon Review Board. Just be thankful that you did belong to the Pantheon for a few illustrious months, and just leave it at that.
This is all we can do. I know you think you’re worthy, but you’re not. I’m sorry, I hate to break it to you, but you’re not good enough. SLAP!!! Wait for effect: SLAP!!! At least you can take your punishment like a woman. You’re good enough for SNL, but you’re not good enough for this blog.
Lindsay Lohan (Lilo) was given the bum’s rush once she decided she was pro-Trump and pro-Weinstein, not much to add to that. Anyone can see that Lindsay is very warm-hearted, but her politics are suspect, and we have to present the Pantheon to the world as a unified front. Lilo, you’re still young. Take notes on Jane Fonda’s social and political consciousness. You want to be, Jane, just without spending all the time in jail that she does...
Jennifer Lawrence was yanked off of Other Letter when she was rude to Lilo. J-Law said she “pukes like Lilo without the drugs or alcohol.” And J-Law herself pukes because of nervousness? Or because of the same reasons she accuses Lilo?
Diane Keaton fell victim to Baby Jesus proselytizers. This is so incredibly sad, but the actress who gave the world Annie Hall in the flesh, has become a mindless Jesus freak. I would give her a pardon, but anyone wearing several crucifixes around their neck, has instantly earned our complete contempt...
Any of those listed above will be considered for re-inclusion in the OL Pantheon once they prove they are worthy of Other Letter forgiveness, either with nude, selfie bedroom photos, or starlet mansion invites. Other Letter is the new power player in town, all hail the king!
Ladies and Gentlemen, the Big Four
Each of the Big Four has super, girly-girl powers, and commensurate experiences. Unfortunately, they are often called upon for unfitting publicity (sadly, because of Heather Graham’s great looks, she seems to often be foisted with this). In a typical Big Four cover, the caption reads: The Power of Women Issue; in the photo beneath: the actresses are bent over, and licking a Popsicle...
Charlize Theron is our movie producer; is an Oscar-winner; and represents the international perspective. She is Dutch, speaks Afrikaans, and is a White, African-American, from South Africa. Charli (as she is known by her closest compadres) is three years younger than Gwynnie, five years younger than Heather, and eight years younger than Ashley (we know that women hate revealing their age, but they’re all good sports here).
Gwyneth Paltrow runs contextual commerce site, Goop; is CEO of a multi-national; is an Oscar-winner; and is our culture arbiter. She has hosted functions at her home for the National Democratic Party, including one for former President, Barack Obama.
Ashley Judd has federal government experience; has worked at the United Nations; is an equestrian; was considering a run for Senator from Kentucky (seriously); has a Masters in Public Administration from Harvard University; and is well-versed in spiritual principles.
Heather Graham has movie-directing experience; has acted in films exploring the sexual facet of life, among many other themes; she regularly appears on sexiest, and most beautiful women lists; she has personal familiarity with “the rock n roll scene”; she has worked closely with child advocate, Children International; and has been a practitioner of Transcendental Meditation (aka TM) for decades.
You’re bored, play our quiz...
There was a documentary that followed the lives of schoolchildren entitled Seven Up. If I remember correctly, they discontinued the project at Fifty-six Up — seven installments, and forty-nine years later.
Surprisingly, the original Seven Ups were the Big Four — Charlize Theron, Heather Graham, Ashley Judd, and Gwyneth Paltrow (not in any particular order). Without further ado, here is a quiz matching the Big Four to their quotes from then.
|1. I’d like everyone on earth to be very, very, happy, someday.||A. Charlize Theron|
|2. I’d like to one day become a billionaire, or else marry one, or just have two kids.||B. Ashley Judd|
|3. I’d like to be able to levitate myself into the clouds. And every child needs to be loved.||C. Gwyneth Paltrow|
|4. I’d like to rebuild my country.||D. Heather Graham|
Do not look at the answers until you’ve given this the old college try. That may not be saying much about college, but so be it.
The answers: 1., B.; 2., C.; 3., D.; 4., A.
Actresses To Be Included
These are a few of the unforgettable, Pantheon women I hope to include once I find the time, the energy, and a full-time research assistant who wears low-cut blouses. This incomplete list has unexpectedly gotten very long, and I have made serious omissions due to blind spots in my admittedly limited knowledge of the entertainment industry.
Julianne Moore would get first dibs, but she keeps turning down my advances, so I’ll profile someone who knows what it takes to succeed in this town:
Eva Marie Saint
Dame Helen Mirren
Dame Judi Dench
Dame Julie Andrews
Dame Maggie Smith
Sarah Michelle Gellar
D. Vanessa Redgrave
The Pantheon Big Four are much like the Beatles, the Fab Four:
(Okay, this is the problem I have. None of the Big Four girls want to be Ringo, but they all want to be Paul. This whole Big Four/Beatles project might have to be scuttled. You cannot have four girls being one Beatle, I am sorry. The Big Four needs to be distributed evenly one-to-one to a relevant Beatle. I am in charge here, so I decide which Beatle approximates Big Four behavior, adjusting for gender and looks. If a Big Four girl has issue, they need to write me, and plead their case, beg me really, okay?)
There’s Gwynnie, a huge Paul McCartney fan, that ever-popular and talented Beatle. Gwynnie is very successful, and, like Paul, may be criticized for being too pop-centric, or too up front about, shh, sex (okay, not Paul, this might be more Gwynnie). Gwynnie is a single Mom of two perfect kids (who excel at absolutely everything, they do) trying to make it in a World of status-seekers, and insane pressures.
Then there’s Ashley, John Lennon brought back to life in a gorgeous, feminine package (the Big Three get jealous when I show bias). She sticks to her principles at all costs, and faces huge agitation from idiots who try to stand in her way, all the while making the world safe for defenseless, street urchins from India to Bangalore. In the streets of Calcutta, Ashley is often mistaken for Mother Teresa because of her kindness, but certainly never because of appearance — Ashley looks like a super-model.
Charlize, our George kindred spirit, the quiet, Zen Beatle, into self-actualization, and also into doing good for the world. I keep Tweeting her that she should get a refund from the orphanage because of the spirited, linoleum lizards she adopted (who already have Charlize’s loving heart), but my schemes are to no avail, Charli, the Face, is so true blue towards everyone.
Last, but never least in any sense, there’s Heather, a Doppelganger for wild Ringo (a Doppelganger if Ringo had a large bosom, and a super model’s face), who is always up for a good time — when she’s not saving Gotham. Life is a party, this is Heather and Ringo’s motto. To put this more simply, Heather is the tailgate party Beatle. She is a real sweetheart though, and as a philanthropist assists with Cambodian relief agencies.
The Annual Pantheon Sextravaganza We’ll be having the Annual Pantheon Sextravaganza again this year. Same place, the El Dorado Bar and Motel — it’s the motel by the Hollywood Freeway underpass. One change this year is that instead of party clothes, to reduce the spread of STDs, you’ll get a sterile, paper hospital gown to switch into upon arrival. We have use of the lost and found bin so we’ll use that for your clothes.
Okay, I’ll admit the year prior attendance was lighter than we had hoped... Okay, it was just Kim K and Kenya, and Kenya was asked to leave after he charged the podium. Kim stripped and shimmied in the lobby for tips, which wasn’t entirely unwelcome as she was between pregnancies for once, and the game was on anyway.
Next year we hope to have the Pantheon girls climbing the side of the Trump Building naked to get the word out about our Sextravaganza. If you would like to help with next year’s Sextravaganza with any suggestions, such as truck stops with lodging that are unfrequented by the police, you may send them using this link.
Regarding Copyright Please read this link for information how Copyright Law, and the Fair Use Doctrine, permits the use of stills on this page. Considering that their placement here promotes movies and their actresses, I fail to see how anyone could have cause to ask for their removal. Yet if you have legal standing, and you want me to remove your photograph displayed here, just send me a note indicating the photo and the reason for the removal request, and I will do so immediately. Priority service goes to those sending nude photos...
1. Just before schooners set sail for extended voyages to discover new passageways; a fair, captivating, friendly, and charismatic maiden would stand ashore blessing their craft, bidding them farewell, wishing them Godspeed and a safe return transit. Later, desperately home sick for their life on land, sailors would think of her the most, and prayed she awaited them upon their return. In point of fact, she is acknowledged as the reason why they stayed true to a most perilous course. A woman such as this was known as a ship-launcher.
2. Keepsakes reminding one of a ship-launcher.
3. A Pantheon woman.
Why wasn’t I included in the Pantheon? You may be a Hollywood actress wondering why you have not yet been inducted into the Other Letter’s Pantheon page. You’re a likable actress. You’re professional, you’re not a prima donna. You’re noted for your work — both on the sound stage, and for the public good — as well as your intelligence. Your talents sets you apart from the pack, and you never got an acting job by sleeping with anyone, or out of nepotism. If this sounds like you, then you’re in, we welcome you to the Pantheon.
If the Pantheon appointee has signed on to endorsement deals with which the Other Letter Nominating Committee — or in this instance, the Review Board as well — finds exception, we will work with said Pantheon appointee until an agreed upon “middle ground” is reached. This adjudication process must take place regardless of however arbitrary the Pantheon’s negative evaluation may seem to the confused neophyte. Usually this means pulling out of her endorsement contract by the end of the week, but the starlet knows full well that this is a small, small price to pay for inclusion on this acclaimed web page, one reviewed daily by those who matter most in Hollywood.
All we need for you to do now, is to send us your admission request, along with any publicity stills I might use. This will soon be the premier go-to, online resource destination for casting directors, so be sure to make the photos your most becoming ones (we’re sorry, but nudity is not yet displayed here, but it will be accepted with your admission packet as an expedient to the admissions process to help us see who you really are). Please be aware, Pantheon candidates who are unattached in relationships get much faster service than those who are (something to do with Screen Actors Guild, marriage status declarations).
Looking at the Pantheon, and seeing the interrelationships between each appointee, you see that being within two or three degrees of separation from Gwyneth Paltrow, Charlize Theron, or Ashley Judd — and recognizing the hunger and ache they have been known to generate in males — will only help your cause immeasurably. Email your admission request packet today, including any neighbor preferences or dislikes, to: Feedback AT OtherLetter DOT com.
Where do super-models stand vis-à-vis the Pantheon? Super-models take note: this is just a Hollywood Pantheon. Unless you have strong ties to Hollywood, or you have a very accomplished resume with substantial supporting imagery, especially the kind South, far South, of an R rating, you’ll need to plead your position with our Admissions Appeals Board.
The reason the point is raised is because we field dozens of Pantheon requests from super-models each and every day. Take someone like Karlie Kloss. She is a very career- and fitness-minded, dedicated, Victoria Secret, super-model — who wouldn’t want her to be on their team? Ms. Kloss is one degree of separation from Taylor Swift so you would suppose she would be a shoo-in for the Pantheon. The Nominating Committee and myself were mulling over this very issue the better part of yesterday — is she Pantheon-worthy or not?
The answer, you may be interested to learn, is yes and no. Karlie has no movie billing to her name, let alone roles in films appearing in theaters as required for an Oscar by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. If there was a Modeling Pantheon, then of course her inclusion would be a given. Yet because the Pantheon rules were written to accommodate jealous starlets, we would have had to turn down her admission request, had she actually sent one to us, which she apparently forgot to do.
I’m Pantheon, how can I vote another off the Island? If you are a Pantheon woman and you just do not feel a fellow appointee is withholding the traditions of Other Letter’s clean-living, pure-as-the-driven-snow oath — they smoke more dope in a weekend than Bob Marley did after ganja harvest; or they’re given the sun, the moon, and the stars, and they still want anything that’s left — you have the right to vote them off the island, so to speak.
In other words, just get five other Pantheon women who agree with your position to establish a quorum — much like the Supreme Court. Have them forward their position statements to me, giving you the right to supersede my authority, and I will remove the offender immediately. This defines democratic governance, the ability to remove undesirables from your presence.
If you are not Pantheon-worthy, either by gender, resumé, or both, you can still vote an appointee off the island, although the requirements are much more stringent. Just organize 100 of your friends together, and have them send us 100 emails stating the valid reasons why they do not like a particular appointee. She will then need to look elsewhere for someone to tout her career, because purity and appearances are of the utmost importance here, as it is everywhere in life.
This is a non-smoking Pantheon. Take a walk among the Pantheon’s grounds. The birds are chirping. Taylor is teaching Charlize and Nicole the lyre, and after a few master classes, Tay will have Cameron singing pitch perfect. Gwyneth is rappelling down the sheer, vertical face of the eleven-story Other Mansion running through a few, tactical security maneuvers in grease paint and khaki fatigues with Uma and Heather. Joni is guest-lecturing on watercolor to Amy. Ashley and Reese are hiking into the back country.
Yet as far as you can see, across Other Meadow, along the beach at Other Lake, or high atop Mount Other, no one is smoking. Why? Because Pantheonettes could get emphysema, or any of the cancers, especially breast cancer. Sure, Pantheon-o-Rama, and Pantheon-4-U do not care if their Pantheonettes fall ill and die, but here at an Other Letter Pantheon, we do care. Go smoke your butts over at a lesser Pantheon, get used to smoking in the cold in January and catch the grippe, and try to forget you’re strapped down to an iron lung.
The Pantheon of Hollywood Women
Betty “Sue Ann” White
(Still from The Mary Tyler Moore Show
Betty White can do no wrong — ever. She is the ultra rare breed of women who really never makes a faux pas. No missteps, no gaffes, never had a undeserved, mean word for anyone. She’s all sweetness and light — and doesn’t this make her a force of nature? She is one of the very few left, or the only one left, in Hollywood who is universally loved and admired...
Betty White is known for a tremendous list of performances, but the ones that I remember most were those of her turn as Sue Ann Nivens on The Mary Tyler Moore Show. There she played the neighborhood nymphomaniac, a competitive, man-obsessed schemer given a WJM Twin Cities, Minnesota, cooking show.
Her homage to the home front, The Happy Homemaker, featured segments like, “A salute to fruit,” or “What’s all this fuss about famine?” Murray Slaughter, the WJM news editor (played by Gavin MacLeod, Captain Merrill Stubing on the Love Boat), would quip that Sue Ann, and her show, should be renamed ”The Happy Home-wrecker.” Sue Ann would address poor Mary Richards, aka Mary Tyler Moore, with perfect condescension “Dear, sweet, naive Mary ...”
While the writing was absolutely top-notch for both The Mary Tyler Moore Show, and The Golden Girls — the shows where she won the most accolades — the awards she values the most are for her comedic acting in The Mary Tyler Moore Show. In a Movieline Interview, Ms. White said of the foundation value of the scripts, “If it isn’t on the page, we can’t do anything about it.”
According to IMDB Pro, Betty has nominated for twenty-one Primetime Emmys, and has taken home seven of them, six for acting. She has also received four Golden Globe noms. Ms. White has appeared on ninety-nine different television shows. She also earned a Screen Actors Guild Lifetime Achievement Award.
Ms. White is the oldest person to host SNL, and won a Primetime Emmy for doing so. Betty is in the Guinness Book of World Records for being the female with the longest career in television.
Ms. White is a registered Democrat, and an ardent animal rights activist. Betty supports gay rights as well, stating, “If a couple has been together all that time — and there are gay relationships that are more solid than some heterosexual ones — I think it’s fine if they want to get married. I don’t know how people can get so anti-something. Mind your own business, take care of your affairs, and don’t worry about other people so much.”
Her husband, television host and personality Allen Ludden died of stomach cancer in 1981. When asked if she would ever remarry, she has been steadfast, “Once you’ve had the best, who needs the rest?” (In the past, Blythe Danner has expressed — and much more than likely still feels — a similar sentiment after the love of her life, Bruce Paltrow, died.)
Cloris “Phyllis” Leachman
(A still fromThe Mary Tyler Moore Show)
Followers of Mary Tyler Moore know that Cloris Leachman’s turn as haughty Phyllis Lindstrom was the only regular on the show with a child in tow, her precocious Bess Lindstrom (excellently played by Lisa Gerritsen, the omnipresent, always working, Seventies child actress). Phyllis was MTM’s landlady and self-described best friend to ever-popular Mary.
Ms. Leachman went on to play the title role in the spin-off series Phyllis for which she won a Golden Globe. Its cancellation after two seasons was partly due to the deaths of three cast members; it became difficult to write scripts when the actors portraying mainstay characters were no more.
Ms. Leachman won the Oscar for Best Actress in a Supporting Role for The Last Picture Show. Cloris is also the biggest Primetime Emmy individual award winner of all time, having won eight statuettes, and nominated over twenty times, for MTM and Malcolm in the Middle, among others. In the latter, she did a turn as Grandma Ida, the Slavic and embittered Canadian (don’t ask me why the part was written as her being Canadian, Slavic, or embittered, because I haven’t a clue).
Cloris appeared in three of Mel Brooks films. She played servant Frau Blücher in 1974’s Young Frankenstein, appeared as the deranged psychiatric nurse in 1977’s High Anxiety, then she did a turn as Madame Defarge in History of the World: Part I from 1981.
Ms. Leachman competed in the Miss America pageant as Miss Chicago, and at Northwestern University she was a classmate of character actor Paul Lynde. After winning a pageant scholarship, she went to the Actor’s Studio in Manhattan to work with Elia Kazan. She has appeared on Broadway in As you like It with Katharine Hepburn.
Cloris was good friends with Judy Garland and Marlon Brando. She is the oldest person ever to appear on Dancing with the Stars.
Carol “Miss Wiggins” Burnett
(Still from The Carol Burnett Show
That’s an über strung-out Norma Desmond
from the recently colorized Sunset Boulevard,
or is this Carol Burnett?
Gabi Rona | © MPTV | mptvimages.com)
Carol Burnett won yet another award, this time at the Golden Globes. She made a few, very interesting remarks about how The Carol Burnett Show could never be created today. For one, it was too expensive to produce, so it would be too dangerous financially to be green-lighted in the present day.
What I need to know is how she ever became so charming, geez, is that woman attractive. Carol, how do you get to be so well-liked? Bottle this, and you will be the richest woman on Earth...
We caught up with Carol Burnett at the Other Letter Comedy Festival, and asked the television legend what she thought of up-and-comers like Amy Schumer. To quote Carol: “I just love what Amy is doing with potty-humor. I mean I love hearing about gas, and of course, women’s periods are pure comic gold. She did such a wonderful job in, what, ‘Stand up and Fart!’ She’s leading the way for the next generation, in her profession, with women in general, and especially all those teens who might look up to her. I’m just in love with her and her work.
“In fact, I was just discussing this with Betty, Betty White, the other day. She said, ‘More than anything we need jokes about drunkenness and drug use. I’ve spent my whole life, all 95 years, waiting for comedians who found the joy in making fun of drunks. Potty humor, too, I love that just as much as the next Hollywood veteran — if not more. And four-letter words, I just can’t get enough of them. Give it to me, Amy.’”
There is a rather pronounced difference between comedy of the Sixties, and that of the late Seventies and beyond. In the former, the comedy is classy, and directed towards people or situations. In the latter, it is directed at people — it is much more pointed, coarse, more edgy, and some might even say, rude. I would say that like music of the same era, the new, hard-edge is a product of the American War in Viet Nam. That televised, steamy jungle bloodbath, was brought to us courtesy a tragically misled Johnson Administration, and an entirely untrustworthy Nixon White House. It blackened and soured America’s character, a sullying from which we have never recovered. Fortunately for us, The Carol Burnett Show just got in under the wire...
I always needed a context and a forum to say what I just said about culture and Viet Nam, and unfortunately for Ms. Burnett, I just got one. The Carol Burnett Show sketches I remember most were: Miss Wiggins, the secretary with her own entirely, separate agenda from her boss, Mister Tudball; Norma Desmond, silent screen star; Tim Conway answering a fire call in imperceptibly-slow motion; and the Char Woman mopping up when it was all said and done. The theme song for her show — originally, and not so aptly, entitled Here’s Agnes — is actually touching: “Aren’t we glad we had this time together, just to have a laugh, or sing a song. Seems we just get started and before you know it, comes the time we have to say, so long...” I remember every word forty years later.
The reason she ended every show by tugging on her ear was to indicate to her grandmother that all was well, grandma didn’t have to worry about her. Both of her parents were dealing with their alcoholism, and rather icily, her mother even discouraged her ambitions to become an actress, simply on the basis of her not a super-model looks.
Then there was her Tarzan bit, which I doubt she could pull off if she looked like Marilyn Monroe. Carol also had more than just a few parody sketches during her eleven year run at CBS, including: Went with the Wind, a play on Gone with the Wind, and As the Stomach Turns, a take on the soap opera, As the World Turns.
Jane “Golden Age” Fonda
How can anyone not love Jane Fonda, a woman who’s eighty-one years of age, and who was arrested for protesting an American government that is at the behest of Big Oil, that refuses to seperate oil and State, and that makes clean energy a low priority.
Ms. Fonda is an American hero, she isn’t afraid to fight for all she believes. Is there anyone that stands up for her principles, has her strength of character, and of her convictions that Jane does? She doesn’t just make octogenarians proud, she makes anyone with a conscience proud. Keep fighting the good fight, way to be, Ms. Fonda...
When Jane Fonda was standing beside a Viet Cong anti-aircraft gun in July of 1972, her intent was to shorten a war that was already eight years long, whose carnage was on the nightly news daily, and whose bloodshed had no end in sight. Looking at that picture, and seeing her smile with her hands clasped in what is apparently prayers for mercy from American aggression, she made her point (unfortunately, I lack the Copyright to display the image).
With Nixon certain of a landslide re-election, the prevailing ethos, if you would like to call it that, was to carpet bomb and napalm the yellow-skinned ox-mushers until the end of time. Isn’t that the Spirit of America, to squash Viet Nam’s self-determination by a nation founded on it?
Ms. Fonda was attempting to make a statement against imperialism — and trolls are still forcing her to reiterate it unto this day, more than forty years later. How else to demonstrate that they’re not the mortal enemy, when they’re just like us. Given the American-initiated carnage, I am just surprised that she herself did not open fire on U.S. planes. Ms. Fonda was a major participant in the anti-War movement who, with her formidable courage, did all she could to turn the tide against the bloody slaughter.
Ms. Fonda just won the American Film Institute’s Lifetime Achievement Award. All those who spoke there touched on her uncanny acting talent, her activism in a wide variety of causes and her philanthropy, being a fitness guru, her tremendous breadth of life experience, her stellar degree of accomplishment, her unparalleled courage, and her stellar depth of character.
By the way, she has won two Academy Awards: for Klute, and Coming Home, as well as five nominations for On Golden Pond and The China Syndrome among others.
Meryl “The Trickster” Streep
See if you can see the same overacting with the performances of the “World’s Greatest Actress” that I see...
The problem one can see with Meryl Streep, and her overacting, is that she doesn’t emote, or feel for her character, she much more relies on thought processes than she does emotional ones.
Her arms flail nearly spasmodically, yet she remains far removed from genuine authentic human expression. You could blame the director, except she does this in almost every film of hers.
This is the problem I have with The World’s Greatest Actress — she overacts. Her gesticulations, while maintaining interest, do not occupy a portion of the human register for genuine, authentic expression.
She is a modern and mechanical actress, a Method one, who’s less in tune with the natural emotion of the script, than she is with playing it up big, and over the top, for the Hollywood cameras.
This is fine in the American acting school, but it does not hold up well against the European, and especially French, standard. The French are fluid and understated; Stateside, their leader is hyperactive, unusually demonstrative (as if she were a silent film actress), and wooden and stiff emotionally.
Have a look at a few prime examples, like the Julia Child biography, Julia, Julie, made in 2009. Her director or drama coach may offer some type of an explanation, but still, finding other examples didn’t take very long at all. This was not send up comedy either, where the actors are expected to ham up their performance...
I only offer this so Ms. Streep can become a Hollywood screen legend like Greta Garbo. Greta embodied authenticity, the genuine, and staying true to human nature. Can Meryl surpass or even approach Greta Garbo’s performance in Camille? None other than Bette Davis was gob smacked by Greta’s talents, and “her mastery over the machine [and acting entirely naturally while acting in a role]...”
Meryl Streep has been nominated for more Academy Award and Golden Globes than any other actor ever has, 18 and 28, respectively. When she doesn’t win the Oscar she’s been nominated for, is it only because it is time for someone else to win?
Every Oscar-win and nomination that went to Streep could have went to someone who didn’t overact, but the Academy was blind to Streep’s artificial portrayals. For instance, how many times was Blythe Danner overlooked in her career in favor of Streep’s wildly swinging arms?
Blythe “America’s Mom” Danner
Still of Blythe Danner in Madoff. Eric Liebowitz/ABC | © 2015 American Broadcasting Companies, Inc. All rights reserved.
Used without permission, and I haven’t a clue as to how to get it. I’m promoting your work, so leave me alone. Sorry, Blythe, just talking business with Eric here.
Blythe Danner recently described Chadley, her daughter’s (aka Gwyneth Paltrow’s) fiancé, as being someone she adores and is well-grounded. Couldn’t a friend of her son Moses — the one the whole family is tiring of, because he only shows up conniving for ice cream treats — be described with the same set of adjectives? Okay, I’m jealous, but why wouldn’t Gwynnie and Blythe want to add a blogger to the Paltrow-Danner clan? What does Chadley have that I don’t?
I have six-pack abs, I can bench over 400 pounds, and my sexual stamina is the stuff of legend. I have been a member of Mensa, the one for geniuses, since the second grade, and I regularly prepare Cordon Bleu meals that rival 3-Star Michelin restaurants in Paris. What is not to like, Ms. Danner? Same question for you, Gwynnie: What is not to like?
Don’t fall for some weakling who couldn’t take Gwynnie to new heights. While those two are thinking this over, I’ll do 20 sets of 50 rep curls of 150 pounds each bicep. Robert Downey Junior shouldn’t be doing Ironman, that part was written for me...
Blythe Danner is known everywhere for her stage, silver screen, and TV work. She won a Tony for her portrayal of a devil-may-care divorcée in Butterflies Are Free, and was nominated for two other Tonys, one for A Streetcar Named Desire, and later for Betrayal. Ms. Danner has been nominated for five Primetime Emmys, taking home the statuette for Huff. She was also nominated for a Golden Globe for her work in Back When We Were Grownups.
Ms. Danner has starred on Broadway in The Country House, an homage to stage actors, as they might appear to be a vanishing breed. While the New York Times review of the play was essentially positive, they could not say any kinder words for Blythe than they already did — the review they gave her was absolutely glowing.
Congratulations on another great performance by Ms. Danner in the Sundance Film Festival sensation, I’ll See You in My Dreams. Believe it or not, in Blythe’s fifty years of performing artistry, this is her first leading role on the silver screen, and it had gotten buzz as a possible 2016, Oscar contender. This woman is so endearing, any praise she gets she deflects, she is that modest.
The roles for which many cinema-goers might know her best though, are as a mom in Meet the Parents, and its spin-offs, Meet the Fockers and Little Fockers. She also did a truly wonderful turn in Brighton Beach Memoirs, playing Neil Simon’s always-insightful mother in another of the playright’s classics. For five years, Blythe frequently appeared as Marilyn Truman, the WASP-y mother of Will Truman on the unusually progressive Will and Grace. Ms. Danner regularly gets cast for wholesome, and far less than wholesome, maternal figures, ones who possess an understated charm. Ms. Danner has a classy, socially gracious, feminine manner that is so enjoyable to watch.
Blythe is Mom to Gwyneth Paltrow, and they have appeared together in 2003’s Sylvia, the story of Sylvia Plath. Here, Ms. Danner played the mother of Gwynnie’s title role. In 1992, they were also together in Cruel Doubt, a TV movie.
Ms. Danner has performed in the Williamstown Summer Theater Festival for 25 years, serving on its Board of Directors as well. Ms. Danner is very active in a number of causes including those concerned with the environment and oral cancer — the disease that took the life of her husband, Bruce Paltrow, in 2002.
“Elvis’ Girl” Ann-Margaret
Ann Margaret will be the first to tell you that Elvis represented an innocence lost forever. In interviews, she cannot stomach jabs at Elvis, her ex, as he has been the victim of mean-spirited derision for years and years. Ann Margaret has walked out on any interview where they tried to compromise her memory of him.
For ten years until his death, Elvis Presley sent her a guitar-shaped flower arrangement to every stage show she opened in Vegas...
Ann-Margaret was born Ann-Margaret Olsson in Sweden (a strawberry blond knockout, who would have guessed?) She is a triple threat in entertainment. She can sing with authority, dance like it was her only talent, and she can act like nobody’s business. Bye, bye, Birdie is a classic of hers. She falls hard for rock star Conway Birdie, then realizes he’s very superficial.
She was twice nominated for an Academy Award, for Carnal Knowledge as the open-hearted giver opposite an icy and abusive Jack Nicholson. Ann-Margaret was later nominated again for Tommy as Tommy’s mother, Nora Walker Hobbs, a role where, covered in food, she got really, really messy.
For much of her early career she was labeled a sex kitten, so she chose many dramatic roles to showcase her acting talents, and to prove to critics that she was much more than an exceptionally great-looking woman. She’s been in seriously good company. She sang “Baby, Won’t You Please Come Home” at President John F. Kennedy’s private birthday party at the Waldorf-Astoria, one year after Marilyn Monroe’s famous rendition of ”Happy Birthday.”
In 2000, she broke three ribs riding her motorcycle in rural Minnesota. Honest to god. She’s that hardcore.
Susan “Janet” Sarandon
The Rocky Horror Picture Show)
Can anyone ever forget Susan Abigail Sarandon as the haughty, yet so overwhelmingly sexy, virginal Janet Weiss in The Rocky Horror Picture Show? Her hot as blazes breakthrough performance in that 1975 cult classic firmed up her reputation as a seductively feminine, delicious force of nature. Susan abetted this reputation with a turn in The Hunger, where she most scandalously (for the time, at least) had a sapphic encounter with French siren Catherine Deneuve.
Yet these were only a small portion of her work in the cinema as Ms. Sarandon has been billed as an actress in 127 films (at last count). Susan has earned Academy Award nominations for leading roles in five of these, the one foremost in many minds being the girls-on-the-lam buddy movie, Thelma & Louise. Yet Dead Man Walking — the true story of a nun, played by Ms. Sarandon, who befriends a death row inmate in Louisiana — is the one role that brought home the Oscar for her.
Susan is deeply involved in progressive causes such as ending poverty and hunger, stopping LGBT discrimination, taking down racists, and galvanizing anti-war support. In her pacifism efforts, she has teamed alongside Jane Fonda. She is also a UNICEF Goodwill Ambassador, and Food and Agricultural Organization of the United Nations, Goodwill Ambassador.
Diane “Broadway Baby” Lane
Diane and I lost track of one another over the last decade. After being relegated to playing Superman’s mother, I understand her new role is handling media acquisitions, talent intake, new property review (not just office equipment like staplers, but fleet buys), and looking very pretty, over at Warner Brothers. We had a torrid romance that fizzled out not so long after it began. Did Diane fall capture to the call of the boobs-reduced, gymnast? Am I the only one that sees a real sweetheart, where your ex apparently saw much less?
(Still of Diane Lane in Fierce People
Diane is having a nice life, but not exactly a charmed one.)
Ms. Lane is at the top of the box office this week. Her latest, Let Him Go, had the most gate for any movie in the past six weeks.
Otherwise, the film industry is really struggling, because people don’t want to go to theaters, and sit beside contaminated disease vectors.
It’s heartening to know that someone who is a complete sweetheart is the one at the top of the leader board in Hollywood. Congrats, gorgeous!
Diane’s career has been taking off of late, which is great news considering that most actresses past fifty are ready for the old age home. She has been in features each of the last seven years, and she currently has another two films, and one TV pilot, in pre-production. That woman is doing something very right, and she’s so nice and sexy about everything while she is. Sigh...
If every woman looked like Diane Lane, was as kind as Diane Lane, and aged like Diane Lane, you know what this would mean? That’s right, an overpopulation crisis like this world has never ever seen. Let us all give thanks that Diane is the only one as beautiful as she is...
Thankfully, Diane hasn’t gone the way of Jenny C with boob reduction work. Just like we preserve our national parks, we really need to preserve starlets’ natural resources, and that is their cleavage. We’re pretty sure Diane chose aesthetics over hoisting and holstering manageability. Bravo, Diane, bravo. We’ll see her at the movies.
Next up, is Charli getting all these great roles recently because her chest isn’t threatening to both men and women? And is Diane being overlooked because her over-sized knockers frighten many, if not most, women?
Because these actresses don’t do Triple-X, or even NC-17 rated fare, we never see what’s under the hood so to speak, we never see them topless. It’s foolish to make them smaller to make them look better, we never see the goodies unsheathed, we only see the outlines of them. So even if they are sagging navel-grazers, with proper boulder-holders, we, the interested movie-goers, are never the wiser...
Diane Lane reminds me of both Maggie Gyllenhaal and Jennifer Connelly. Ms. Lane has the looks, the smarts, and the talent, but she has not been given the roles worthy of them. She has been in 36 films, of these, I knew of only Under the Tuscan Sun and The Perfect Storm. Hollywood is very capricious and fickle especially when you’re less the latest trend, her acting prospects are more proof of this.
Notwithstanding, she was nominated for an Oscar for her work in Unfaithful, a drama about Connie Sumner, a fundraiser who enters an extra-marital affair, after a chance encounter with a man on the street (this is about as hot as it gets in legitimate cinema). She has also earned three Golden Globe nominations.
In Hillary, Diane was to play the title role in NBC’s scheduled bio pic about Hillary Rodham Clinton, but the production was cancelled due to the potential for Republican demands for equal broadcast time. She is living proof that more mature women can still look great, I mean really, really great — Blythe Danner being another sterling example.
Along with Tony Shalhoub, known for his long-running television show, Monk, Ms. Lane starred in the Lincoln Center’s Mitzi E. Newhouse Theater production of The Mystery of Love and Sex. This is the story of a pair of childhood friends whose relationship turns romantic over their parents’ objections. Once it does, long-held secrets of both families are revealed, throwing everyone into a tumult. Unfortunately, this was a 2015 limited engagement, hopefully she will be doing more theater work soon. Before Love and Sex, Diane last appeared on the New York stage at the age of 12 in 1977 in the Shakespeare Festival’s Agamemnon.
Most recently, Diane was at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, and looked as glamorous as ever — she simply will not age. Ms. Lane is a joy to behold. Diane has so much going on upstairs, and she seems sweeter than pie.
Diane was just at an Oceana something or other, some celebration of what, water? But she looked great as she always does. She is a breathtaking woman. Honestly, she’s fifty-plus, she could pass for under forty... 2016’s SAG Awards, again, sigh.
Meg “Sally” Ryan
(When Harry met Sally ... trailer)
The New York Times has called Meg Ryan, “the soul of romantic comedy.” She played Sally Albright in Nora Ephron’s When Harry Met Sally ... with Billy Crystal. Then she portrayed Annie Reed, a reporter finally finding true love opposite Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle.
Another major starring role was that of Kathleen Kelly in You’ve Got Mail. In this rom-com, emailing lovers do not realize the object of their affection, outside cyberspace, is someone they do not like. Meg was nominated for the Golden Globe for all three of these performances.
Most recently, Meg will produce and star in a new comedy on NBC about a former big-time, big-league, New York editor. Meg’s character returns to her previous publishing house employ where her young, neurotic boss was her former intern. Meanwhile, she has to keep her teenage kids, her husband, and her mother-in-law all happy, but when she tries her best, it inevitably makes matters much worse. Ricky!
Ms. Ryan supports environmental causes, and with them, supports the party that has the better record in that area.
Marisa “Mona Lisa” Tomei
Marisa was recently at the White House honoring the Friends of the White House, or some such party-til-dawn extravaganza, probably trying to scrounge up enough cash to build another wing. They have an East and a West Wing, maybe they need a wing for recreation, say to have skeet shooting off the balcony. You never know down there in Washington. She might have asked me to go with her as her date, but I’m pretty sure I had other plans that week, so thanks, but no thanks. Bet she looked a tad foolish trying to hold her own in foreign policy cocktail talk without me by her side. Oh well, what can you do? There’s only so much one man can accomplish by himself...
Watch Marisa Tomei’s interview on the CBC from 2012 with George Stroumboulopoulos, and you can easily see that she has a gift in relating to people. Marisa is not a scripted talking head or a rehearsed sound bite, she has plenty to offer on an usually wide variety of topics.
I am not even sure how physically good-looking Marisa is, but she has to be one of the most sexy women on the planet. Her sex appeal is just off the charts.
Facets of her appeal are based on experiential, social, and cultural sophistication, whereas many starlets’ attractiveness is only based on the fact that they are the end products of the handiwork of a scalpel-wielding plastic surgeon. This Tuscan charmer impresses with every turn — yet she is not the least bit jaded. Marisa unwittingly, yet instinctively, draws you into her heart, and into her soul.
A recent survey of the literature, or the paparazzi porn, as it is more affectionately known, shows Ms. Tomei looking not much different — or not any different at all — from the way she looked when she first won over our hearts twenty-three years ago, in My Cousin Vinny. Follow the link prior, and you get to cry at the misfortune of not being her boyfriend (I wouldn’t say “the misfortune of never being her boyfriend,” because winning Lotto is also within the realm of human possibility, and her complete inaccessibility is otherwise too depressing to contemplate).
On March 13th of 2014, Ms. Tomei began a week of previews for her sixth Broadway stage play, The Realistic Joneses (she has had leading roles in three of them). This is the comedy about two couples with the same last name and identical homes, who must choose between a perfect fantasy, or a hard reality, a choice that will have deep reverberations throughout the rest of their days. The playwright, Will Eno, was a finalist for the Pulitzer Prize in Drama, so between the acting and writing talent, this has to be one top-notch production.
...Ms. Tomei remains extremely busy, as she will be performing the recurring role of Mimi Whiteman in Fox’s Empire. Ms. Whiteman is a billionaire who desires beautiful young women, and she makes sure that she gets all she desires. Marisa will also be Aunt May, Peter Parker’s surrogate mom, in the next installment of the Spiderman franchise. Then Ms. Tomei will portray Gloria Steinem in the soon to be produced biopic about the feminist leader’s life.
Marisa has been nominated for three Academy Awards, and won Best Actress for her work in My Cousin Vinny. Marisa radiates a natural, effortless gracefulness, but I bet this very stylish, Oscar-winner only dates philanthropists.
Sandra “Congeniality” Bullock
(While You were Sleeping trailer)
Part of Sandra Bullock’s popularity lies in her disarming candor and sincerity. She is a great comic actress, as seen in Two Weeks Notice. Yet in The Blind Side, her versatility and range is evinced. In this non-fictional portrayal of Leigh Anne Tuohy — an adoptive mother of an abandoned youth who later became a Baltimore Ravens offensive lineman — Ms. Bullock plays a take charge, no time for nonsense, very confident Tennesseean. For her work in this, Ms. Bullock won a Golden Globe, a Screen Actors’ Guild award, and an Oscar.
Most recently, Saundra was again Oscar-nominated for her leading role in Gravity. In this gripping, sci-fi spectacular, Sandy plays an astronaut cut from her mother ship tether, and left adrift in the vacuum of outer space.
Sandra’s work bringing Ryan Stone to life made $716 million internationally for Gravity, and also put her atop Forbes 2014 list of the highest-earning actresses with $51 million. Using a common metric, you are doing just fine if you earn the equivalent of your age times one thousand. Ms. Bullock, recently celebrating her fiftieth birthday, earns her age times one million.
The same year, in the sleeper, The Heat, Sandy was Ashburn, a by-the-book New York City, FBI Special Agent teamed with Mullins, her foil, a streetwise Boston cop played by Melissa McCarthy.
Sandra gave a million dollars apiece to relief organizations: after the tsunami in Asia, to the Red Cross after 9/11, and to Doctors Without Borders, after the 2010 Haiti earthquake. By every indication, Sandy is the easy-going and down-to-earth type, it’s easy to become friends with her.
Julia “Megawatt Smile” Roberts
Mystic Pizza rightly made Julia Roberts the star she was born to be. Her buoyant portrayal of Daisy Arujo is truly remarkable. Not only is her Daisy having a time she will never forget, one senses Ms. Roberts is as well. This set the stage, as it were, for later leading lady roles like Pretty Woman.
Julia possesses great strength of character, and has an exceptionally interesting and well-rounded personality. She is not just another pretty, silly girl prancing across the sound stage in stiletto heels.
Ms. Roberts was nominated for four Oscars, and brought the statuette home for her work in Erin Brockovich, the true story about a legal assistant who almost single-handedly takes on a multi-billion dollar water supply polluter. If you want to see a completely convincing acting performance, see Julia as Erin.
Her movies have grossed $2.6 billion, putting her 17th on the all-time money list for actors, and in second place for actresses, behind Cameron Diaz. She has been on People’s annual list of the “50 Most Beautiful People in the World” eleven times, tying her with Halle Barry.
Halle “Freedom” Berry
Today, Halle posted a photo of her with a butterfuly on her hand. A troll found the joy in diminishing the otherwise happy moment by saying that her “hand looks like a construction worker’s.”
Then does the full body of this full-figured beauty look like a construction worker’s as well? Halle handled all of this graciously, and in stride, even though social media is run over, and run by, homo trolls...
Halle Berry, née Maria Halle Berry, is the first actress with an African-American lineage to win an Academy Award for a performance in a leading role. She won this for Monster’s Ball, the story of a prison guard who falls in love with the wife of the prisoner he just executed. Halle has been involved in producing five of the films in which she has starred.
She also won a Golden Globe for playing the title role in Introducing Dorothy Dandridge, the true and poignant portrayal of an actress very cruelly victimized by racism, yet still nominated in 1954 for an Academy Award. Ms. Berry has also been nominated for three other Golden Globes. Besides all this, she has squared off against Sharon Stone in Catwoman.
Halle regularly sweeps the awards for people of color including the Black Entertainment Television (BET), and NAACP Image Awards, and she was nominated seven times for MTV Movie Awards.
Ms. Berry has strongly voiced her support of women’s issues, and just as vociferously her objection to paparazzi terrorizing her kids. Halle has been on the lists of the most beautiful, sexiest, and hottest women on Earth, by People (making the Top Ten seven times), Esquire, FHM, Empire, and Men’s Health.
“Most Beautiful” Sarah Parker
Sarah may both drink (she has a line of booze) and smoke. Given her career, that does not sound so smart at all. Just saying. What do I know?
If Hollywood, competition-level girls can be divided into two discreet sets, upper or lower, Ms. Parker scores very high marks for lower, higher than she does for upper. (If Sarah is out there, I hope she’ll forgive me for not being a complete gentleman. And remember, those who aren’t lowers, are lowers, because they don’t have navel-grazers.)
For those who claim that Sarah is much more of a lower than she does an upper: She looks Eastern European, she looks Semitic. Is that anti-Semitic to even broach the topic? I am sorry, but this is her heritage, and she looks absolutely fine, especially considering her ethnicity...
(Photographer not known. If you know who took this photo, please let me know so I can give attribution; or remove, if necessary.)
Sarah’s performances are best when: A, she flashes her pearly whites; and B, her two, co-stars make regular appearances. When we see her co-stars, the movie suddenly has energy and excitement.
On Sex and the City, the television series in which she had the starring role, her two co-stars were in every scene. In her more serious, film work, those two are given short shrift, and bundled up in outfits that aren’t form-fitting.
Sarah has two, great, co-stars that are on a par with Christina Hendricks’ two, great, co-stars. This is saying a lot. Before I say something I might regret, I’ll just have to leave it at that...
When I was just a fledgling screenwriter, before the seven picture deals, Sarah and I had several conversations on Instagram. You might say that, for your part, you chat up every celebrity you’d like to chat up.
Yet the hard, cold, facts are — and please excuse the suggestion and the conceit — not everyone has had any dialogues with the rich and famous, like I did with Sarah. True, she has a great marriage, and I honor her vows. Yet if you want to know there’s someone at the end of the Hollywood tunnel, and Sarah is waiting there with open arms (okay, write your own article), how can this not buoy your spirits.
The star of Sarah Jessica Parker (or SJP as she is sometimes known) took off with television, Sex and the City, and her iconic role of Carrie Bradshaw. Carrie was a girl who knew what she wanted, and how she could get it. Mostly, this meant wedding “Big,” and wearing an endless parade of high fashion.
She has been in several movies, one by famed playwright, David Mamet, called State and Main. Another major movie was The Family Stone, which had a stellar cast besides SJP.
These days, Sarah is treading the boards in Plaza Suite. Written by another very noteworthy playwright, Neil Simon, it recounts why three different couples are staying at the Plaza in Manhattan. All three couples are played by Sarah and her husband Matthew Broderick in a triple role. It was much awaited until the Coronavirus, and New York State Governor Andrew Cuomo (indirectly), decided to shut down the production.
Sarah is one of eight children, and was brought up in Ohio, not New York. When she was a child, all she ever wanted was to have a bedroom not shared by three others, and not have fights over dinner scraps with her siblings as well as with Rex, the family’s Doberman. Now, she’s worth one-hundred-fifty million dollars (Bing search engine, 2019).
Ms. Parker has a line of haute couture women’s shoes that she’s always busy promoting. She belongs before an audience though, because she is very charismatic.
“Lovely” Ashley Judd
Good girl, Ashley, had this to say about the current state of the world: “Golly gee. Gee whiz. Dang it all. Gosh darn...” Well put, Ms. Judd...
Free Ashley Judd, because she is caught up in forces beyond her control. While she loves her baby Jesus, there are positions her church takes that she cannot adopt as her own. She is also trapped into taking shorter term, fattening meds for the rest of her life. Let us put our hands together, and pray for Ashley’s tattered soul. On the count of three: One, two, three. Amen.
God bless Ashley, not because I would ever endorse her belief of a puppet master up in the clouds, one calling all the shots, but only because she believes in one, and a few recent Tweets of hers shows that she may be struggling a bit of late (just check the punctuation — and she’s Harvard!)
In a way, I’m grateful that it never worked out between Ashley and myself. Read what I write about her, and anyone can see that she brings out the best, and the worst in me. As world travelers both, we’ll always have memories of the layover at O’Hare, and getting socked-in at Logan.
Ashley’s first movie, Ruby in Paradise, is one that drew unusually positive notices. In 1993, none other than Roger Ebert called it: “one of the very best performances of the year.” To me, and most anyone else who has followed her career, Ruby is Ashley’s calling card, her first at-bat, and she cleared the centerfield fence, a home run for Team Judd.
Welcome to Ashley Vision. Per a unilateral, publicity agreement I have with her, we get to watch her Biden appeal as many times as we’d like. Instagram has no claim per the EULA. There’s a reader enticement for a blog, laying out legal liabilities. (Hacker’s note: Right-click > Inspect Element within browser > Right-click > Open video in new tab > Right-click > Save Video)
This is Ashley Judd before a Democratic Party info session. She’s not as slender as she was twenty years ago, but she still looks very fine. Weinstein really did a number on her. Either that, or she only filled out where it counts. She’s got her Mona Lisa smile for good measure. © 2020, her Instagram feed, used without permission.
Ashley is known in Hollywood as the one who should have had a much bigger career than she did. Ms. Judd’s Harvard-educated by the way.
In 2010, Ashley earned a Mid-Career Master of Public Administration degree (MC/MPA) from the John F. Kennedy School of Government at Harvard University, but she’s most proud of her Women’s Studies minor. The way I tease Ashley for being a Harvard grad, one might think that I’m jealous of her. The truth is that I only pity Harvard grads, Harvard is pitiful. I’m serious, it’s the home of the easy A. I don’t pity the outrageous salaries they get, only their degrees...
I’m saddened by the lack of participation that Ashley Judd gets on social media. Ashley, if you’re out there, here’s how to boost readership: Get involved in your feeds by replying to comments.
If this fails, you can always post photos of you when you’re topless. By hook or by crook, one from Column A, or one from Column B, these tried and trues will move you atop the leader board...
Ashley has taken Botox for siege migraines. The side effect is that it can effect facial appearance. While Ashley is still a good-looking woman, her looks have been compromised in a way that Nicole Kidman’s haven’t been, and they are the same age. Nicole can find work, Ashley may have a more difficult time.
My impression, and I have studied advanced celebrity theory at both Oxford and Harvard, is that Ashley is hanging up her dancing shoes. Expect to see Ashley pounding the pavement for Kamala in 2024, but no longer doing her Marilyn impression (although she has definitely gotten more buxom).
We all know why Ashley gets migraines: She is so incredibly intense and focused. I would have offered her my patented massage therapy, but what do you know? Our schedules always conflicted, and these days, I only cross the Mason-Dixon line with an armed caravan.
Let me just say this about this super-sensitive topic: If Botox can effect appearance, why is it being sold? Why is Ashley’s doctor prescribing it? Are pharmacy formularies actually putting this at the top of their lists for headaches?
What about those facial effects, and the well-known face drop-outs that we often read about? Did Ashley forget to read, and properly evaluate — with both medical and legal counsel at her side — the insert within the Botox package?
Is Tennessee medicine enlightened? Would she have done better at, say, the Cornell Medical Center, on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, than she has at, say, the Vanderbilt Trade School, in Appalachia’s Nashville? Cornelius V., what have you done with my woman?
Courtney Cox had Botox done, and she had said its effects will diminish over time. I just wish Ashley had spoken with me, or other competent medical professionals, before she got all syringe-happy. Hopefully, Ms. Cox knows of which she speaks, or else, Ashley, you may wake up, stand before a mirror, and see Joan Rivers — and that’s no joke!
At the end of Ashley’s weekly mass, she and her fellow Xtians start singing:
“Time for us to go, Baby Jesus.”
And they file out of the Church arms up and down, like Travolta in Saturday Night Fever.
“Baby Jesus, until we meet again, next sunday. Time to wave goodbye. Bye, bye, Baby Jesus, my sweetie. We love you so effing much, babe. Can you feel it Methodists? Oh, yes, we can. You feel it stronger than the Baptists, and the Catholics? Oh, yes, we do. Do we ever feel the heat for Baby Jesus.”
It’s a rousing finish to another four hours of the adoration of the Xist child.
In Des Moines, Iowa, Ashley was manning the phone banks for the Biden/Harris ticket. ABC affiate KMOI ran a story about her efforts. It included this video of Ashley speaking with a voter:
Yes, hello?... I’m Ashley Judd... Yes, very good, that Ashley. The Harvard one... What? I’m Harvard... Yes, Ashley, Harvard Ashley. That’s me!... Hello?! She hung up on me!...
Ashley is one of the only people on this planet, outside of nuns and priests, who believe that “damn” is a curse word. She actually uses “darn” instead.
Ashley direct quote: “We don’t hate men but they need to understand that they have little place in the modern, militant-feminist world.”
Ashley is launching her new, Women Kneel before Men Initiative. Her religion, Christianity, is male-dominated, and women have only three, speaking lines to say in the entire New Testament (c. Luke 1:27), so her new Initiative makes perfect sense.
Ashley’s Christianity is against reproductive rights, which is yet more reason for Ashley to kneel before men.
Ashley had this to say in defense of her misogynistic efforts: “I love baby Jesus so, so much, I have to do all I can to promote his, well, misogynistic creed. How can anyone not love baby Jesus?! I mean, puh-leez! Females, join me, I am your new role model!...”
With the looming Weinstein trial, Ashley certainly has enough to get depressed about. Yet, she certainly sounds completely buoyant this election day, which is great to witness.
With her elegant prose, Ashley can certainly hit the upper registers of joyous expression. When she’s in a very good mood, anyone can tell that she is, because she’s plain elated.
Ashley makes a child on Christmas morning seem depressed. Reading of her enthusiasm in her Instagram feed, one would think that this is her first voting election (she’s 52 years of age, and has voted her entire adult life).
Ashley would claim that her gifts, and everyone’s gifts for that matter, are god-given. Is she a masochist? Why wouldn’t she want to claim credit for herself? Why deflect praise into the clouds above?
Christians are so self-flagellating. There’s a word for this: anhedonia, the rejection of pleasure. The fear among followers of Baby Jesus is that by appreciating intrinsic gifts, they will undervalue humility, and isn’t that the strongest suit this tribe possesses?
Ashley reacted to the news that the Pope is in favor of civil-unions for disenfranchised gays and lesbians:
“I know, I just know that Pope Francis, or his successor, will allow gay and lesbian marriages in his church. True, it took two thousand years to get to this point, but lesbian marriages are right around the corner, not in another two thousand years, but sooner. I would say, much sooner.”
This is a dramatic simulation. Ashley isn’t a Catholic, she’s a Methodist, and there may, or may not be, a world of difference between the two Christian faiths. Although Methodists also believe that homosexuals aren’t following Christ’s teachings.
(Unbeknownst to Ashley, me and her are having an unending battle of attrition. When all is said and done, I will get baptized, or she will burn all the Crucifixes in her house.)
Salma “Frida” Hayek
Being Mexicano, the racist would think that Salma hails from domestics and farm laborers, but this is the furthest from the truth. Both of her parents are very prosperous and successful. Her Dad owns an industrial-equipment firm, one who ran for mayor of Coatzacoalcos, and her mother is a talent agent, and opera singer.
Ms. Hayek regularly tops most sexy lists. Salma is unusually voluptuous, yet bizarrely, she is still insecure about her figure. From just this one example, and given Salma’s body, we can extrapolate that every woman is insecure about their looks.
Salma earned an Oscar nomination for Frida, the biopic of Mexican painter, Frida Kahlo. Ashley Judd had a cameo in this film, where she did a very sexy, lesbian tango with Salma.
Salma is accomplished outside of just acting. She has produced movies, and been a spokeswoman for charitable causes, especially ones ending violence against women.
Salma advocates breastfeeding infants, and once on a humanitarian mission fed a toddler whose mother could not produce milk. Unfortunately, there aren’t any photos of her nursing.
Her husband, François-Henri Pinault, gave $113 million to restore the Notre Dame Cathedral. Whew! We were hoping the Pinaults wouldn’t give that kind of cash to feed the poor. Houses of worship mean so much more than alleviating poverty.
Marrying a billionaire is probably every girl’s dream come true, but why is Salma mixing tequila drinks on Youtube?
Nikky “Ginger Tabby” Kidman
Nicole skipped out of quarantine, so we’re still on the fence as to if she belongs in the Pantheon. Apparently, she is completely free of any germs, so Aussie, quaranine orders are only for lesser mortals. Nikky, contact me along the usual channels for any hopes of reinstatement.
Australian press provided an alibi for Kidman. She was on a private, intercontinental jet, so contact with others was minimal. Yet, what about all her other contacts Stateside? She spent all her time in America on the good ol’ private jet?
This is the deal: When you’re as good looking as these starlets are, you can get away with anything and everything.
(Nicole Kidman’s promotional still, © 2020. Used without permission, but like any other actress, she appreciates any and all friendly publicity. I’m expecting a thank you note from Nikky any day now, loving me for the influencer marketing. Instagram is another story altogether. They’d file a multi-million-dollar lawsuit just to harass.)
As seen here, Nikky’s latest Instagram post prominently features her derrière. Here’s the caption: “Hi, I’m Nicole. Have you seen my finely-sculpted, gym-enhanced butt. I’d let you touch, but that’s only for my Keithy. I’ll give you the tour... and here’s the back door. Thank you for enjoying my tushy. G’day!”
Nicole’s husband, Keith Urban, is a country, singer-songwriter. He appeared on the Country Music Awards, and didn’t dedicate to his wife.
Keith dedicated his song to emergency personnel instead. His intro included a remark about how difficult the last year was. Then are they done with this go round of marriage?
If they are, this is why: Keith is very religious, and Nikky can take religion or leave it. She can mostly leave it, except for maybe Christmas morning with her kids, as they open hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of gifts.
As for Jesus, he kills relationships. He puts a cleave between the believers and the non-believers. Anyhow, Jesus the Christ put an axe to their marriage. I won’t say I’m sure, I will just say I’m very, very sure — unless I’m wrong...
Nikky should do promo work for movies, because she’s very skilled at cinema publicity. At press junkets, Ms. Kidman’s been known to say things like this:
“The gravity of that moment, the electrical shock of that kiss, in that context, in that scene, with the motivations of those two characters? Well, I’ll carry those tingles with me every day for the rest of my life — and let me say, so will every last one in the audience. It was just too much. Is the word for this, explosive, implosive, both?”
Nikky makes the final pitch before an apparent straight-to-DVD production goes straight-to-DVD.
Nikky posted a photo of her and her husband on a zero-gravity simulator, on the edge of deep space. While her husband, Keith, looks like he’s having the time of his life, Nikky looks like she’d rather be home, perhaps doing needlepoint, or even sharpening garden tools.
There is a wide dichotomy in interests here, yet somehow their marriage works. Or does it? In every photo of them together, they never kiss on the lips. (For that matter, Gwynnie and her husband are not demonstrative in any sense.)
Is this because of height differences? After all, Ms. Kidman is six-foot-four (was a Brisbane, All-Star b-baller, and was scouted for the Women’s Basketball Association), while Keith is five-foot-ten.
Well, then, couldn’t Nicole just lean over to kiss him, or Keith borrow a foot stool on the red carpet? No, in my professional opinion, the perfect Aussie marriage may be much less than perfect...
Ms. Kidman had defied the nationwide quarantine order at a State-run hotel, because she feared sexual assault, no poolside beverage wait staff, limited concierge service, and a negative experience for her moppets.
In response to claims that Nicole is a Hollywood diva, she had this to say: “I am one, and I would never lie about it.”
With Daddy away, Minnie will play... Mixed metaphor translated: She lost her Dad in 2014 to a heart attack, and she gets a bit untethered at times. Her Mom has been struggling of late with her health as well.
Is this enough to get her off the hook for quarantine violation? If she wasn’t an exceedingly rare, Aussie, Oscar-winner, there isn’t any way she’d be excused...
More on the never-ending saga described below, the one concerning Nikky avoiding quarantine. There is one mitigating factor, and this is her children. Putting her kids in a hotel with wizened Aussies long on the tooth, ones always asking for quarters for the lobby vending machines, could bring on long-term behavioral issues.
More cynically, or perhaps, more accurately stated, Nikky just didn’t want to live in substandard (to her) accommodations, and in the Land of Oz, as their favorite daughter, what she says, goes...
Kidman’s publicist, Wendy Day, said that it was “absolute garbage” to think her employer was doing anything improper when she avoided quarantine by going straight home from the airport. After all, she says, Nicole is paying for her own expenses at home, not the government.
(When Day leads with harsh language devoid of facts, like “absolute garbage,” we know they have no case.)
Both have completely missed the point: Quarantine isolates travelers from the general public. There is no isolation from Coronavirus sitting at home, and especially heading into town for beer, chips, bush meat from the butcher, and flying saucers from the ice cream parlor.
This is the real substance of the matter: The Kidmans don’t want to be among the hoi polloi in a State-run hotel. They must feel it is beneath them. They would say that Taylor Swift wouldn’t be forced to live among the lower classes for two weeks, why should the Kidmans?
Every day of their life today, people walk up to them for selfies and autographs. Then would seclusion for Nicole and her family be such a horror show? Anyhow, Nicole is just certain that they don’t have any germs whatsoever, because the Australian government said as much when they exempted her family from quarantine.
Yet, how is security any different than when they stay in Milan, Venice, or Cannes, for film festivals? They stay in hotels, and have a security detail there, why can’t they do the same in Australia?
The reason is because they must feel, deep down in their heart, that they are above the law, that they are immensely better than the average Australian. Trump also believes he is above the law, and Americans know how worthy he is of our contempt. Our Kidman verdict: Something is rotten in the State of Queensland...
When Nicole was still a stewardess, she would never be exempt from quarantine law (see below). Now that Nikky is a billionaire, she is quick to add that the uproar about her getting special treatment is without merit, she is crème de la crème.
When reality gets to be too much, Nikky retreats to her in-house, airplane cabin, mockup, gifted by her stewardess co-workers when she left for Hollywood. Here, she finds peace and sanctuary from the madding crowd, many who feel that she doesn’t deserve quarantine exemption.
When she wasn’t a billionaire, she slept with her share of the select, well-to-do on intercontinental layovers. Yet, being a billionaire, as she is now, the rules have changed. Ms. Kidman will only sit in first class, while sweetie Nikky, stewardess second class, had to sit in coach with the riffraff.
Times have changed, and this truth all comes flooding back to her when she sits in her in-house, airplane cabin, mockup...
Nicole Kidman, her boyfriend, Keith Urban, and their two daughters packed their bags and left their primary home in Nashville for the land down under. Tennessee is 97° Fahrenheit today, and with the heat index, it feels like an oven. It’s three digits, or 101°.
In the Land of Oz, Melbourne is a frosty 43°. Money affords many privileges, but if you want to step outside, and still escape the heat, Southerners have to hop aboard a private jet. Just plunk down $10,000-plus to be able to step outside in July in your winter home. Six-figure, Oz taxes are additional...
The Dynamic Duo from Down Under didn’t have to mandatory quarantine in a government-approved hotel. They were permitted to go straight to their residence. The favorite daughter of Oz was given preferential treatment. Is this ethical? Well, no, of course, it isn’t.
But as seen elsewhere, the Coronavirus enthusiasts are giving up on holding the line, when even according to Trump: “Everyone is being diagnosed with COVID-19 [deserved or not]...”
I may just walk in and assume control over Nikky’s affairs. I will be seeking her power of attorney. For one, she’s been out of control doing too many interviews. Secondly, she married a Scientologist. I could write a book on that complete loss of matrimonial, self control, so we’ll focus on the first issue, lack of managerial discipline.
Nicole, are you out there? Okay, good, first we have Actors on Actors with Russell Crowe, then Variety. In the biz, we call this overexposure.
If I was an Other manager of yours, you would know when to step up to the plate, and when to phone it in. At this point, you should be turning down publicity. Paradoxically, interviews will only hurt your gate, your box office. Americans, and Europeans, will all say: “There’s Nicole, haven’t we had enough of her whole, cute, Aussie bit of late?”
Like Colonel Parker with Elvis, I need to keep you away from Russell Crowe types who are interested in one thing — dinner dates, often involving dancing, followed by hustling a ride to your flat for canoodling. You’ll try to fight him off, but he’ll wanna come into your place.
I’m telling you right now, Nikky, your manager is not providing you with adequate protection from leeches. Russell is his name, what kind of name is that? Do you have a fresh, fully-pressurized, canister of mace in your purse? Word to the wise, you need an Other manager. Every piece I read about you in the paper, I cringe, your manager is dropping the ball. You’re being sent to the wolves...
Happy birthday, Nikky! Nicole Kidman just turned 53 yesterday! I’ll have to admit that with my ever-expanding blogging responsibilities, I haven’t been able to write you as often as I’d like.
And you have four kids to round up (two Scientologists, two unscarred), so we rarely chit-chat anymore. This is the life we both chose as mega-superstars. Oh, well, stay in touch, gorgeous angel...
Given the Coronavirus vacation, Nikky and me are renegotiating all her contracts. She will no longer be forced to bleach her mane blonde. Here forward, she will always be a redhead. An announcement for the press will follow. Nikky isn’t called Ginger Tabby for nothing...
As part of a Vogue piece, Ms. Kidman videotaped an Instagram profile of her answering questions. At first listen, she seemed to sound arrogant. But when I listened to it a second time, I realized that she has a wide breadth of experience in film, and that the apparent conceit was really just a product of a very long, accomplished, and successful, career in Hollywood...
Nikky keeps an airplane cabin mock-up in her living room just for kicks. If she could, she’d always be flying the friendly skies. Ms. Kidman had dreams of staying a stewardess, now long shattered by accepting Hollywood movie offers.
That’s right, she went to flight school where their mantra remains: “Coffee, tea, or me?... Thank you. I’ll be right back with your snacks.” If she shook her booty, she would be the snack, and invited to some wealthy man’s hotel room for liberated girl experiences that later appeared in Eyes Wide Shut.
All that remains of these happier times, is the wide body, cross-sectional cabin of a McDonnell-Douglas DC-10 she keeps in the back of her living room. It was given to her as a gift from her fellow stewardesses. As Nikky often says: “I’m Nikky, fly me to anywhere on earth. I’m ready to please you, and satisfy your every traveling need...”
Nikky even confided to me that if there was trouble on set, she would run home to sit in her airplane cabin. She sits and thinks about the olden days when life was so much simpler, and stewardesses wore short skirts instead of trousers...
Nikky looks better recently than she’s been. She looks twenty years younger than other recent photos. I spoke with her publicist, and she said that three-hour long, Pilates sessions with her master mentor, Dylan MacGyver, is the main reason.
Also, she cut back on coffee, and afternoon shots of tequila, as well as no longer doing peyote with her buds from the “Nashville enlightenment scene”.
The “Nashvilles” as they are more popularly known, eschew brewed buzzes for mind blowing cacti remedies in efforts to forget the cares of the day, and anything else, permanently...
All the movie studios keep this quiet, but Nikky is seven-foot-tall. In every role she’s ever been in, she plays opposite leading men on stilts.
She was considering the WNBA, the Women’s National Basketball Association, but she got the lead in Bush Christmas (1983) (in the Land of Oz, the Bush means the Australian Outback, not the un-Christian term).
If she ever finds herself back in the romance market, or on the auction block as a super-hot property, I’ll take her regardless of her gigantism. Just find me an extra pair of stilts, and we’re good to go.
(Don’t believe the rumors that Nikky’s actually 5’ 11" tall, and not 7’ 0", but Karlie Kloss is 6’ 1½")...
Nikky does seem to be unusually warm and affectionate but also a bit naive, especially regarding her ex, Tom Cruise, and Scientology...
Following the intergalactic invasion, we have this from the Aussie-sector slave auction:
“Nikky Kidman: nice look, nice spirit, I open bidding at 5 million Krupets. She will do windows without any backtalk...”
Nicole Kidman appeared at the Critics Choice Awards. Hmm, was I wrong all along about Ms. Kidman? I mean she wasn’t goofy, she was clear-eyed, and as sharp as a tack. If she did love the sauce, she doesn’t love it anymore. The best keeps getting better.
Nicole Kidman just flew into LAX for the Golden Globes. Yet there is very sad news to report: Nicole’s home in the Aussie countryside was reduced to ashes, along with all the precious memories that she and her husband have shared, and there have been at least one or two of them.
There are times, Nikky, when you just need to say: “Let it burn.” (Before anyone sends me any hate email, or firebombs my house, please read below...)
At a 2020, New Year’s Eve show, Keith called his wife, “Baby girl...” Is this meant to be affectionate, or condescending? It sounds like a put down to me, a huge one, and he unloaded it just before she was going to speak.
If anyone believes that celebrity is a ticket to permanent bliss, they are so sadly mistaken. The famous have much more tools like money, litigation, and a powerful, bully pulpit, to go at one another...
Nicole was the weakest in the cast of the Stepford Wives. She looked lost. She’s not a comic actress or one known for melodrama. She seems to gravitate toward serious roles.
The dialog for her character may not have been fully crystallized. She may have been dealing with personal trauma — her moppets went Scientology (I don’t care at all for the cult of Scientology, just as I don’t for the human rights-repressing cult of Catholicism).
I don’t remember Nicole ever playing a character part or the sidekick, only the leading lady. Nicole was phenomenal in Eyes Wide Shut and Moulin Rouge, but not here.
(Although those who cannot act, critique acting...)
Nicole has a Christmas card photo for Instagram of her and her husband. Nikky wears a fedora raked downward that might befit a cannabis distributor, while her husband wears a baseball cap that would be seen on a farm equipment salesman. Nikky, when you tire of Mr. John Deere, look me up. I’m in the Yellow Pages under “Other Letter — Global Blogger”...
Besides Nicole not joining Tom on the dark side with his divisive Scientology, there’s a second reason why they divorced. Nicole is five-foot-eleven-inches and Tom is five-foot-three-inches tall (with heels). Paparazzi would burst out laughing anytime they stepped out onto the red carpet. It can take any kind to make a marriage.
Scientology leadership was furious that prospective, dues-paying recruits would see Cruise’s wife with much more stature than Tom did. Having Tom wear stilts was ineffective as he feared heights (Scientology Svengali, L. Ron Hubbard, didn’t figure out how to defuse this particular fear).
A few years of the height taunting, the humiliation, and the bad press, proved to be more than the Kidmans could handle, so they had to call it quits, and file for a divorce...
Most are well aware of perhaps the most bitter rivalry in all of Hollywood, including the one between Bette Davis and Joan Crawford. This is, of course, the endless tit-for-tat between Nicole Kidman and Naomi Watts. Both have longstanding restraining orders against one another. If you even say the word, “Naomi,” to Nikky she will practically hit the ceiling in fright, the hatred is this intense.
Ages ago, the two Aussies were the best of friends. In fact, they went to the same theatrically-oriented, North Sydney Girls High School, where a gentle rivalry turned into the most heated of feuds. It got so bad once, that Nicole and Naomi were pulled out of their classes for a day’s worth of detention, because of unnecessary hair-pulling, spitting, and teacher-unapproved cat fighting (things are a bit different in the land down-under).
There has been nothing but bad vibes between them since, going as far back as Mulholland Drive, when Nikky auditioned for innocent, Hollywood newcomer, Betty, but Naomi walked off with the role.
There was a scene that Naomi performed for director, David Lynch, a scene that Nikky felt was just too sexual. Nicole is a firm believer in chastity just like her savior, Baby Jesus, demands of her. Nikky told Lynch that instead of the self-pleasuring scene, the Betty character should play tennis against a cement wall, that this achieved the same effect, and hid all uncomfortable, shameful, eroticism.
Lynch could not be convinced, and the role went to Naomi. Once this casting die was cast, they never spoke a word to each other again...
The Nikky faithful are mounting a campaign to have her mane return to ginger, instead of blonde. The problem is that the characters are written as blondes, or dirty blondes, so Nicole must dye her hair yellow over and over.
Many of us believe this is just plain wrong, so we are asking Ms. Kidman and her agent to negotiate a ginger contract rider to allow her to grow in her natural, flaming, red-hot, hair color.
Why play yet another, air head blond, when she can play a fiery, agile and dynamic, think-for-herself, redhead? Many more will be missing her next blockbuster in protest, and some will be carrying picket signs to the tune of: “Bring Back our Ginger Babe!...” Please join us, and make a difference!
“Dreamy” Jennifer Connelly
(Still of Jennifer Connelly in Mulholland Falls
© 1996 Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios Inc.
All Rights Reserved.)
I’m hardly one to trash the husband of any of these gorgeous, Hollywood women, but Jenny C. married down. Just saying, no offense. These husbands all understand, because they’re jealous of me, and my primacy as a blogger.
They all know that I can beat them inside on the paint, then dish outside for the tray, or block shots from downtown. I’m just too much competition for them, so they’ve learned to respect me for this.
Ashley Judd knows this is the god’s honest truth, I’ve played pickup games with her in Nashville, games where she doesn’t even show up, in more ways than one...
For her supporting role as Alicia Nash in Ron Howard’s A Beautiful Mind, Jennifer Connelly received an Academy Award, a Golden Globe Award and a BAFTA Award. Besides her Oscar-winning performance, she’s known for He’s just not that into You, she was the best part of Rocketeer — lighting up the screen, and stealing every scene, she was that good in this — and in 2014, she co-starred with Russell Crowe again in the Biblical saga Noah.
The problem with Rocketeer though, was that it had all this stuff about rockets, when it should have just been about Jenny C smiling, and making conversation with everyone. They hardly know how to create fine, engrossing cinema anymore.
Ms. Connelly — along with her trademark, playful, coy, knowing, or devilish half-smile, as well as her brunette hair and green eyes, her buxom figure, and her deep, sultry voice — has appeared in 41 films. In 2005, Amnesty International named Ms. Connelly an Ambassador for Human Rights Education. She has been a Revlon cosmetics cover model, and in addition, was a child model. Periodicals such as Time, Vanity Fair, Esquire, as well as the Los Angeles Times have all included her on their lists of the world’s most beautiful women.
In Career Opportunities, Jennifer portrays an unusually intuitive, young woman, who is beset with issues at home, and doesn’t quite know what to do with her life, until she is trapped overnight with a janitor at a department store. One can easily see her overwhelming sex appeal and femininity in yet another, understated, never-recognized, and grossly under-rated performance. It is just a treat to watch her in this film, and this is so early in her career.
I would have to think she did all her own roller-skating in this clip, partly because it would have to be so difficult to find that voluptuous of a body double for Jennifer, and partly because in the shots where it is obviously her doing the skating, she is doing it very well.
Ms. Connelly studied English at Yale University, transferring to Stanford, and completing her degree in Drama there. Not many know this, but growing up in the Catskills of Upstate New York, Jennifer was nick-named “The Mountain Cat.”
Heather “Roller Girl” Graham
Heather and I had a brief fling. She wanted publicity from a world-class blogger and influencer. I checked my schedule, moved around a dozen appointments, and I obliged. The problem with a girl like Heather, is that when you meet her, you’re given a number. Then, you wait for your number to be called. You wait and you wait. Heather dates guy after guy, while you wait for your number. When it’s finally called, you feel like the most insignificant guy on earth. Anyhow, this is the problem with dating a girl like Heather...
If you looked at the pinups of earlier generations such as Betty Grable, and even Rita Hayworth, Ms. Graham still stays on top. Heather is one, unusually good-looking woman. Plus she’s whip-smart, if you know what I mean...
(Here, Heather Graham lounges around in her living room in anticipation of a big date. Or this is a still from her promotional Instagram, and The Last Son of Isaac Le May, © 2020. As seen by her lingerie, Heather plays the old maid, school teacher offering motivation to Plains Indians. Ms. Graham’s fifty-years-old, by the way. Think fitness goals, girls.)
There are two Heathers. There’s the stereotype of the sex kitten that we have seen on the silver screen, but there’s also a far more thoughtful and intelligent Heather. That Heather has gotten top billing, and directed, her own feature-length film, one concerning gender inequality that’s entitled, Half Magic.
If you were to ever run into Heather, which one will it be, the sexual or the more thoughtful star? Or will it be a third Heather, a secret, underground hero? She has smoked herb from time to time. In fact, she has hosted The Heather Graham Retrospective and Interpretive, Cannabis Cruises, ones far offshore from prying police authorities.
That’s right, as the marketing materials read: “Get blotto with Heather for seven straight days while attempting to discuss her work!” From every walk of life, they all chat up Ms. Graham, try to get at the captain’s hookah table, and vie for late night in the captain’s stateroom, where Heather stays as guest host and cap’n.
To even the most diehard wake and baker, Heather can keep pace, so bring your strongest grass. Heather loves pot smokers, this is her kind.
(Disclaimer: I don’t know if she’s this into pot, yet there is an Instagram post that would suggest she does smoke it. Heather doesn’t appear to be an amateur. Instead of erring on the side of libel-free caution, we have this post...)
Heather is sunning herself in locales South of the Border, with some guy whose companionship we at the Pantheon never approved. Seemingly, this is for her advancement of Zen practices, but I sense double dealing.
This guy could be a Russian saboteur looking for national secrets, how would you know if he wasn’t, Heather? You’re his cover. Or he could be trying to get you to sign a life insurance policy. I don’t know why, Heather, but you take such risks. Heather, do you know how you contract syphilis? This is how: By having long getaways in disgusting vacation spots.
Heather, did you even read the State Department Bulletin for Cabo, before you hopped into the taxi for the airport? Cabo crawls with organized crime. That’s right, American tourist mecca, Cabo, is known for one thing, drug crime. Every corner has an opium den.
Open your eyes, Heather! You will get shaken down! First, the younguns will want pesos that they collect for tequila shots, then the teens will want quattros and loose joints, and finally, adults will want you to take them out drinking, and then walk off with your wallet.
Welcome to Sodom and Gomorrah, Heather. Crime is the only recognized occupation in all of Central America. Salma Hayek knows this, every Mexican does. Trump formulated his 2016 Presidential campaign on just this idea.
So this is what you do: You lose the guy. You take the next flight out of so-called paradise, back to New York, back to where everyone is perfectly sane, and where there isn’t any crime. Paradise is not for you, Heather, it’s only for families of ten who will kill one another if they’re not near the water for a week, once a year.
Do you understand me, Ms. Graham? Take the red eye, it doesn’t matter. You are to evacuate Cabo immediately. You can thank me later...
Heather just posted a picture where she’s biking through a deserted Times Square. Her clothing shows that this photo was from the last month. It was taken by a best friend of hers, Princess Odessa Rae. The only other time that Manhattan streets were empty was on 9/11/01, and Heather Graham wouldn’t be doing any biking on that day.
This girl certainly has an adventurous spirit. Did she steal the bike using bolt-cutters on a bike lock? The Instagram post is not so explicit. Even though she has a wild side, she would never operate outside the law, especially to walk off with someone’s cherished transport.
Then she must have an annual subscription with the Citi Bike program; or she took her bike down to 42nd Street via subway, from uptown. The uptown of this uptown girl is either the Upper East Side, or Westchester.
I used to know where her uptown was exactly, when we hung out together, but we lost touch. I had heard she started dating the entire New York Rangers hockey team. This was just as my blogging career was heading for the stratosphere, and her Hangover wouldn’t three-peat sequels...
I caught Committed, more great work of Heather’s on Hoopla, the for-free library service. I have difficulty understanding why Heather has never been considered for the top Hollywood awards. She has the chops, she does work where she is entirely convincing and compelling, as well as carrying the film.
Although Heather does not seem to get offered the movies that lend themselves to winning Oscars. She may have a problem with being stereotyped as a bimbo. She has done many roles that had a sexual component, has this worked against her? Hollywood is known to be hedonistic, and not prudish, so one would think that performing sexual roles would work in her favor.
Committed was produced by Harvey Weinstein, before his complete fall from grace, and when he had the Midas touch. Gwynnie’s Shakespeare in Love was also a Weinstein production. Before he was revealed to be such a sleazy SOB — there are actresses in Hollywood who would kill him if they could — if you were in one of his films, you made it.
And Heather made it in the year 2000, and before, and since, but looked over for every award the entire time. Which is all sad, but we still have Ms. Graham’s cinematic catalog to enjoy...
Heather was in an excellent movie that I would bet not many people have ever seen. It is called, Miss Conception, and it’s about a woman whose biological clock is running out of time.
Both Ms. Graham and her supporting cast all gave excellent performances. Who knew Heather could give a Gwynnie Paltrow-caliber British accent, not to mention her GP-worthy performance?
The movie is not hard-core drama, meaning there’s no squirm-in-your-seat Tarantino carnage, but this doesn’t mean it isn’t both poignant and enjoyable.
The Hoopla website, which is available with most library cards, has the movie for free. (Unfortunately, the Opera browser won’t work with it, you’ll need Firefox, or equivalent.)
As an actress nearing fifty-years-of-age, Heather Graham knows her days being gainfully employed are numbered. So she brainstormed with Macy’s, and will now be putting out a line of winter clothing to be called Heather’s Wisconsin Winter Ware. The line will include psychedelic, pink and tangerine, scarves, and paisley gloves, in honor of her tenure as Austin Power’s Felicity Shagwell.
(Heather’s Wisconsin Winter Ware is named after Heather’s native Wisconsin, where she won Milwaukee Igloo Queen, three-years running. She would have won a fourth year, but she found work in Tinsel Town. Also stopping a four-peat was controversy over Igloo Queen term limits, which would have likely led to her disqualification for a fourth year.)
Ms. Graham is also involved in a charity getting the Cambodian children to pull themselves up by their bootstraps. The genius solution: Have Heather’s Cambodian kids make Heather’s Wisconsin Winter Ware. There initially were concerns about their psychosocial development after working eighty-hour weeks in the Heather Graham Sweatshops.
Yet Heather and her management team agreed that the work experience gained far outweighed any downside from unlit, fire-hazard, sweatshops. Expect a February launch to Heather’s Wisconsin Winter Ware.
Here’s a quote from a recent two-part, 60 Minutes interview, with Heather Graham:
I’ve been waiting forever until my career waned to get ’em done. I needed big boobs professionally. Now that they’re smaller, I get to play character roles, and work on my gymnast routines.
Big boobs are for leading ladies, smaller ones are for quirky, nutty, character roles. The acting is more challenging for smaller boobs’ parts.
I used to make up for deficiencies in my method acting by jiggling my boobs. Now, it’s just me and the camera. I’m a much better actress after I had them reduced...
Heather went on a Facebook - Celebrity Edition date with some anonymous Hollywood type. If she does marry him, as widely expected, I will have to decide if she stays with the Pantheon or gets tossed asunder.
At 48, Heather is reaching the end of her love life longevity, and her desirability as a woman. So she’ll be clawing onto this “guy” for dear life, desperate for a wedding ring, even one with a very puny, speck of a diamond. Heather will at last fulfilled her life’s ambition as a trophy wife. Well, let’s not get rude.
She didn’t want to be a trophy wife her entire life, she did have hopes and dreams before her 45th birthday, but no more. She was seen leaving the restaurant, a midtown McDonalds, trying to piggyback on the “guy’s” back, in an obvious sexual overture.
If I do drop her from the Pantheon, I will most likely get Certified™ Registered™ letters from both her and her publicist, begging for re-inclusion, and including a sizeable bribe. The letters get put in the circular file for compost, although I do pocket the lettuce.
(As a one-time postal courier, Heather is one of the very few people on earth who know what a Certified™ and/or Registered™ letter actually is. Heather gave up the great outdoors and friendly people on her route, for domestication, endless primping, and serving her “man,” but, oh, her designer gown budget is the stuff of legend...)
How many times has a Heather Graham, movie character been named “Candy”? If you guessed “23,” you’re going to Disneyland!!!
Is there any woman more feared in Hollywood, than Heather Graham? I mean, just look at her. Talk about intimidating great looks. Harvey Weinstein was scared of her, and not a girl has ever stood in that pig’s way before. She must have to reject more men in a single day, than most women do in their entire lives. Her modus operandi becomes: take no prisoners.
When Heather is forced to unleash Heather-apocalypse, there is nowhere to run, and nowhere to hide. She is an esteemed actress and a businesswoman, and if you cannot produce credentials that you are worthy of her time, move it along. Ms. Graham is most likely a real sweetheart, but she never returns my calls, so I can’t get a good fix on the real Heather...
Heather and me were heading out for another road trip, because I wanted to get to know the cheese heads for which her region is so well known. See, Heather is from Wisconsin, the Dairy State, and they eat more cheese than anyone else in America (only the Swiss eat more cheese on earth). To stock up on supplies, we stopped at Kwik Trip.
What most surprised me about this convenience store, is that Kwik Trip sells milk by the bag, honest, they do. Not only that, the Kwik Trip chain has their own dairy, they have their own dairy cows. On Long Island, I couldn’t verify at press time, but I’m almost certain that our convenience stores, 7-11, and even Dairy Barn, do not have their own cows.
Kwik Trip will also cook to order off of a small menu. Now, I don’t have to check that one out. There isn’t a single convenience store in the entire Northeastern United States that will cook to order anything. You need to go home, and fire up your George Foreman Grill, or turn up your hot plate...
As many may know, Heather’s big break was from her role as Brandi aka Roller Girl in Boogie Nights. Heather has said that since then she no longer had to audition for parts, she would just be offered them, and for big movies.
According to IMDBPro, Gwynnie Paltrow was offered the role for Roller Girl, but turned it down. That would have been the all-time miscast...
Heather Graham is well-known in keeping her private life private, and away from prying eyes. But get this, she will be releasing a tell-all autobiography this Fall. The finished manuscript is one page long, and includes the time she skinned her knee in gym class. At least her treatment was somewhat forthcoming about her past. A ghostwriter hopes to flesh it out into four-hundred-pages.
I, for one, am glad she’s coming clean on dishing about private details about her life. I have paid her way with movie tickets — we all have — and it’s time for pay back. I am not an unreasonable man, so I know she needs to make more of an effort being explicit about her past, including all those physical relationships with girls.
Heather, if you’re out there, don’t tell me this is private, because you traded your privacy for fame. Check the fine print on that Faustian bargain you signed thirty years ago. You surrendered all rights to your sexy past for others enjoyment...
If you follow Heather Graham’s Instagram, and Ashley Judd or Gwyneth Paltrow’s ones as well, you’ll notice that on Ashley and Gwynnie’s pages the trolls are there, out in full force, and out for blood. Yet Heather’s social media feed is fairly civilized.
The reason is that Heather doesn’t stir up much controversy. She mostly talks about rice cakes and sunscreen, whereas Ashley has extolled her love of tax-cheat Bono, and Gwynnie pontificates over pelvic eggs as a panacea for the blues, and whose discussion even embarrasses her mom, Blythe.
It is always clear where Ashley and Gwynnie are on the New Age or political spectrum, which makes them the targets of trolls. Yet we only know of Heather’s discretion, and her love of those slimming rice cakes.
To make them all feel free to express their opinions without retaliation, the real solution is to promote their own web sites which they have already built. Ashley already has AshleyJudd.com, and Gwyneth has GwynethPaltrow.com. They devote far more time to the social media platforms than their eponymous web sites, even though the former is where they get all the abuse.
Or they could be as tough as nails, and capable of withstanding any abuse thrown their way. Yet, if you have home field advantage on your own web site, with a much more devoted readership, and without casual or hurtful readers, the discourse will remain that much more civil. Surprisingly, however, Ashley and Gwynnie currently do not have their own forums.
What’s more, a private web site would have a much tighter rein on membership with a significantly more elaborate, and reviewable, member profiles, which can readily cull away trolls. In Facebook, you’ll only learn that whomever is trolling you belongs to the National Socialist Party, their favorite public figure is Adolf Hitler, and their true passion is assault rifles. There isn’t any reason why they are visiting you other than they are desperate to cause you as much trouble as they can...
Winter is approaching fast in the northern Midwest. Heather has begun chopping wood, and tuning her Skidoo to make sure it’s ready for the weekly blizzards. She is making sure her lake fishing cabin is structurally sound, adding caulk where necessary.
Heather is also checking her fishing tackle to make sure the knots are secure, because this may be the year she catches the record crappie, which in Northern Wisconsin is over ninety pounds (a record she owned just eight years ago)...
Heather just brought her fishing hutch off of Lake Oshbegosh. Yeah, if it’s not ashore by late May, it goes to the bottom of the lake. Into Spring, car traffic is not allowed on the lake any longer. Heather is saddened when winter ends, longing for the return of Arctic temps, so she can drag her beloved fishing igloo out onto the lake again, and catch yet more crappies.
Heather has her Peterbilt pick-up truck to facilitate moving the hutch back and forth for her “hobby.” It’s 8-cylinders on a 10-liter, overhead cam power plant. She has drag raced at Milwaukee Nationals. When the ice-fishing isn’t any good up North, she trailers it down to Daytona for more fun, her Peterbilt is that fast and competitive.
If you ever get the chance, catch Heather on the NASCAR Channel leaving rubber in fourth gear, in her 250 MPH-plus souped-up pick-up, funny-car. Everyone knew she was fast, and wastes no time, but 250 MPH-plus fast?
Heather has often said that racing “is all in the wrist, I concentrate on my wrists out on the track.” When a newbie asked about her: “accelerating engine fatigue when racing.” She only offered this: “I was grinding gears before the day you were born, punk. Eat my fireproof suit...”
Heather Graham varies a great deal in the quality of her screen work. Some of it is really top-notch, and some of it is a paycheck. I blame the writing. If an actress is given lines to read that aren’t credible, or compelling, Meryl Streep couldn’t pull off making that part convincing.
Then, because of prior weak scripts, an actress is relegated to more, very weak scripts. If she is in this “quicksand” I don’t see how she can dig herself out of it, and develop professionally...
It is winter. This means just one thing to Wisconsin born and bred, Heather Graham, and that’s returning home for ice fishing. This is the time of year that Heather forgets the inanities and ultra-seriousness of Hollywood, puts on her hip waders, and heads out on her Ski-doo for a day in her ice fishing hut on Lake Oshbegosh.
(Heather has a 2007 Grand Touring Ski-doo. Everyone she’s ever known has owned a ski-mobile. She does all the work on hers — she has a lift in her garage — much to the amazement of her friends on the lake. Heather has even taken it across frozen Lake Superior to Northern Ontario for lodging and dancing with First Settlers.)
The temperatures are typically 30° below zero, but Heather just loves the peace and quiet communing with nature out on the Lake. All her girlfriends are into the sport, and they help net the tuna-size crappies that she often catches.
After they bring in their haul — Heather’s are always biggest — they take turns where they hold a big fish dinner. Heather’s sisterhood of the ice fisher women date back to when she was just seven years old.
Heather holds the record for crappies, not only on Lake Oshbegosh, but for the entire State of Wisconsin. Crappies are typically panfish, and eight inches long, but somehow the biggest ones from up and down the entire Mississippi River all end up on the end of Heather’s fishing line. She must have the magic touch.
So next you see her playing her typical vixen or cheerleading coach, just imagine her grinning and holding up a trophy-winning, eighty pound crappie for the cameras. Smile, Heather!...
Uma “Mia Wallace” Thurman
(Still from Pulp Fiction © Miramax)
Ms. Thurman was in a horrific auto crash over a dozen years ago, mostly because she was prodded into it by her director, Quentin Tarantino. While still dealing today with the joint injuries from that crash, she puts the blame squarely on Harvey Weinstein for covering it all up. Weinstein is by no means a sympathetic figure to anyone anywhere, but he cannot be blamed for everything wrong in cross-gender relationships.
The reason why Uma will not blame Tarantino for this is simple — or to me, it’s simple — she needs the work, and she likes or loves him. Her entire career is associated with Tarantino, if she is looking for continued franchise opportunities, in say, Kill Bill Volume 8, she cannot be badmouthing Tarantino, because he is her meal ticket. I am not one hundred percent certain I am right about this, but it all adds up in my estimation...
Ms. Thurman will be appearing on Broadway in The Parisian Woman. This is not a dinky, pitiful off-Broadway production, mind you, or even dinkier, and more pitiful, off-off-Broadway. This is the Great White Way.
Bear with me, I’m Drama Desk for the New York Times, I only speak the well-honed truth, even about which I know surprisingly little. My colleague at the Times just did an article on her, which congratulated her staying power having been in Hollywood for more than five years (but I’d say she’s been gracing our screens for closer to thirty).
Anyhow, after the dust settled, and all the readers vent their unfounded hostilities they harbored towards Uma in the Comments Section of the piece, it is on to me, yours truly, with the only opinion that truly matters, my own.
My concern with Uma is tempered by her being such a towering presence on the silver screen, where her profoundly sensitive portrayals are bigger and more majestic than life itself. Instead, I wonder if I have ever seen her happy, near-tearful grin — not even once. (I’ve seen Ashley Judd tearfully grinning, and Gwynnie, too — both of these joyous divorcées look like they’re having a better time of stuff.)
Uma sure seems to me to be one introspective chick, when she smiles, is that often a wistful smile, or am I just being hypercritical? True, Uma has spent much of her career working with Quentin Tarantino, and we all know what light-hearted romps he makes about forgiveness, with each production having its own incredible arsenal of blood-seeking, revenge weaponry.
If I cast her in any of my nascent productions, I will be sure that she grins, and not just once, a few times, several times even. Until I see any evidence of grinning, she will never appear in any of my screenwriting masterworks. Her photos on the Internet, at least, are not of a beaming woman enjoying life to its fullest...
Uma Thurman’s Pulp Fiction portrayal of a moll won her an Oscar nomination. At the same time, the film established her as the muse of Quentin Tarantino, the film’s famous director now best known for relying on incredible visceral sequences. Uma went on to receive Golden Globe nominations for that cinema classic, then for Kill Bill Volume I and Kill Bill Volume II, and took home the Globe for Hysterical Blindness.
The latter is the story of how a few women in 1980’s New Jersey go looking for love in the bar scene, and ultimately find that their friendship is what truly matters most. In the Kill Bill series, Uma plays Beatrix Kiddo, a woman introduced as a bride covered in blood, who is later out for revenge against the killer of her ex-lover. Ms. Thurman spent three months learning martial arts for the part.
In a 2003 Time magazine piece, Tarantino professed his admiration for his favorite actress, putting her right “up there with Garbo and Dietrich in goddess territory.” To date, U, as she is often called, has 51 acting film credits to her name.
Partly because of Uma’s obvious great looks, and partly because of her commanding stage presence — being a five-foot-eleven glamazon cannot hurt — Lancôme and Louis Vuitton retained this part-Swede’s services as a spokeswoman. The Government of France has also knighted her for her achievements in the Arts and Literature.
Uma grew up in Boston, although she did spend a good deal of time in India. Her father, Robert Thurman, is an Ivy League, Buddhist academic who brought the family to the Himalayas on occasion. The Dalai Lama was a very good friend of her Dad, and Mr. Thurman once brought the religious leader home. Nena von Schlebrügge, Uma’s Mom, was briefly married to Timothy Leary, the one-time, Sixties psychedelics pioneer. ‘Uma’ is an alternate name of a Hindu goddess, and it means ‘light.’
Amy “Oscar Nom” Adams
(Still from American Hustle
Francois Duhamel | © 2013 Annapurna Productions LLC)
This is the scene where she is the visiting,
adjunct professor of astrophysics at MIT, and she tells her class
to withhold judgment at what she claims is the new dress code.
Has anyone ever seen Amy Adams when she wasn’t smiling? As far as anyone knows, Amy is the happiest actress in Hollywood...
Amy Adams is firmly in the Charlize Theron camp of extreme beauty. Amy has such joy, but she’s married as the day is long, so we avoid her discussion...
It has often been said that a man who criticizes a woman’s weight has a death wish. Yet I am concerned — frankly, I am much more than concerned — about a Pantheon actress. Amy looks significantly heavier than she has in the past. Maybe she is only hormonal, but if you see a recent photo, you would doubt this. Did her marriage tank, did her kid have to take remedial French (who hasn’t been there?)
Please, if you live in Amy’s neighborhood, and can assist her: walk her dog, get her car washed, re-shingle her roof, read lines opposite her for her latest, referee fights with her significant others, or make her a nutritious breakfast, please do so. I have done my part in alerting the Universe (and so am now a target for all of Hollywood).
Now it is up to you, Amy’s friends, family, and neighbors, to pick up the slack, and get Amy back in fine fettle. For key roles, Hollywood actresses have been known to lose sixty pounds in two weeks, but still, starvation diets leave stretch marks, and Amy, we don’t need you looking like a prune...
Amy is not a natural redhead, she is actually a blonde. The same goes for Emma Stone. Tragically, and with no sense of remorse, both have been pulling the wool over our eyes for years, make that decades. They whisper Hollywood has no soul, that it’s all fake, well, now we know the rumors are all true. Virginia, there is no Santa Claus, okay?
Nicole Kidman is an actual redhead. For those keeping score at home: Charlize Theron is a blonde, Gwyneth Paltrow is, too. Unless we get anymore shocking news, like we did with Amy and Emma, Lindsay Lohan is also a redhead. Kim Kardashia was originally a blond (see Taylor Swift section for explanation).
Amy said that once her ’do went ginger, she started getting all the feisty, quirky, fun roles. When she was a blonde, she got roles playing stuck-up bimbos. By the way, if you read about a hair color fraud of which most are unaware, or better, notice one yourself; please drop us a line at the Other Letter Tip Line...
Charlize “The Face” Theron
Charli offered excellent experience for the intermediate to advanced dater. The problem we had at first, was language. I speak eight languages, including Proto-Cherokee, but Afrikaans is not one of them. We braved long silences as Charli tried to formulate her thoughts into English, and I attempted to reply in Afrikaans. The breaking point was when I attempted to read the takeout menu of The Ivy to Charlize in Afrikaans. Charli and me were crying at the utter frustration of simply ordering a cheeseburger in two languages, one American, and the other, African.
Charli is our film producer with the most titles. Well, except for maybe Reese Witherspoon.
Isn’t she that Afrikaans, Dutch girl? Is she ever good-looking.
This promotional still is from 2017’s sci-fi, Star Trek takeoff, The Orville. The only better-looking women are not found in our galaxy. Admittedly, cleavage is generally not seen on an intergalactic star-cruiser, as Charli sports here...
Charlize Theron, in partnership with Quentin Tarantino, will soon be releasing, The Aurora Massacre, in Stereo. In cojunction with Blood is the Money Shot Productions, they will be recreating the Aurora Colorado, movie theater carnage for the world to see, in 3D and Surround Sound.
At the press junket, Charlize was sitting beside Quentin. Tarantino stood up, and had this to say: “We were looking for a way to say violence is okay, you just need a good enough reason to pull the trigger, which we found. And we don’t need any bourgeois value judgements against gun play.
“Who cares about copycat killings, and endorsing violence? We make quality sh*t. We are role models, we show the world how lethal guns are. They just need to be used to good effect.
“America was founded on the Second Amendment, violence, and revenge, which is what I always emphasize in my work. Need I say more? Locked and loaded, my friends.” At which point, heads down, they both made a power to the people salute.
Leaving the junket, Charlize was overheard saying: “Maybe my business model needs a little tweaking...”
Charlize shares my hatred of canines, and has, in fact, called her pooches, a*holes. The plan right now, is to get together with her, and work towards dog eradication.
Ms. Theron, are you out there? Then, let’s do this. Charli, you’re a good will ambassador at the UN, or some such. Just speak to your people over at the UN, and we’ll get this ball rolling. They must do work on animal control.
Think of this, Charlize, dog poop on your sneakers will be a thing of the past. No one will ever have to curb their dog, ever, ever, again. Charli, I know what you’re thinking: This is too good to be true. Well, then get on this. The glory of a dog-free world can be very, very near.
The only cruelty here is cleaning up after your dog’s poop. Charlize, the world is depending on you. March right into the UN Assembly and demand an audience, demand the end of canines.
This is not a half-baked idea. They love you at the UN, and they have the needed biochemical viruses in refrigerators. We just need an AIDS type, lab effort, and voila, a millenniums-long problem is solved forever. Glory, glory, hallelujah!
Charlize, now that you’ve been pushed out of Hollywood because Bombshell bombed, I have an excellent employment idea. Apply to be a Burger King day manager.
Don’t do the night shift even though you’ll earn a pay differential. Night shift is extra cash, but are you ready to say goodbye to your children forever? Because you’ll never see them again.
Whoppers are discounted as an employee perk. Charlize is now very interested. I kid you not, you get a third off on your whopper meal. I know, unbelievable. Welcome to America, Charlize. There’ll be a new spring to your step. Mm, whoppers, mm. You can even become a BK greeter...
Charli couldn’t resist a good thing, and was an immediate BK hire starting in the vaunted greeter position. We caught up with Charlize donning the maroon and gold uniform, including cap, as she shook things up, and shook them down, at the West Hollywood King of the Burger:
“Hello, welcome to Burger King, I’ll be your hostess. I’m Charlize. Why don’t you place your order to my left? That’s right, go ahead.
“I’ve had the fries today and the King is making quite the scrum-delicious batches back there. The deep fryer has been piping hot since 11AM. I should mention that from two to four PM, fries will be 99¢ not $1.09. That’s twenty percent off, and I’m talking all week, but please, only from two to four PM.
“Enjoy them, folks. In times like these, everyone could use BK fries, and why not double down with the whopper. Please, be my guest, sir. All menu items are value-meal priced.
“Yes, ma’am, you can have it your way. This is Burger King, not satanic McDonald’s. Yes, we do accept twenty dollar bills, but we request the order be more than ten dollars. Sir? Why not complete your order with a milkshake? Hmm?
“Yes, ma’am, the napkins are complementary. Take three because the whopper is that juicy. Enjoy your burgers, okay? Have you tried the catsup? It makes for quite the condiment. And please cap off today’s meal with a twisty freeze, now in four flavors, including lime, peanut butter, and red...
“Hello, welcome to Burger King. My name is Charlize, and I will be your server. As you can see on the menu board overhead, a wide variety of menu items awaits both the casual diner, and the more practiced veteran of the BK...”
Charli is crestfallen. Her latest epic, Bombshell, didn’t do as well as expected at the box office. Because of Hollywood’s infamous one strike and you’re out policy, she’s in early talks to teach Intro to Cinema Studies at UCLA. This would be the San Bernardino Campus, two hours North of Los Angeles, and two blocks East of the porn studios.
Her first lesson plan includes which foods to eat to gain thirty pounds like she did for Monster. I understand eating Milky Ways in bulk figure large in a super-large, camera-ready butt. I’m ready for my close-up, Missus Jenkins...
After Charli brushed me off (see below), I did run into her on a JFK to Tokyo non-stop, without layover. I was doing the usual, perfecting the human genome on my laptop, and Charli was rehearsing her spiel to promote her latest, Centurion, Halt!
Anyhow, to make a long story short, I explained to her my reverse-Stockholm axiom. The Stockholm Syndrome occurs when you take on the traits of your kidnappers. Reverse-Stockholm Syndrome is when you do the exact opposite of your tormenters. Your daughter, Jackson, may have this.
Charli looked at me like I just landed on Earth from Mars, but then she said, “You’ve got opening remarks in Berlin at the Global Symposium of Acceptable and Exploitable Gender Roles. I still don’t believe anything you’ve ever said, but my family’s medical team as well as the entire Harvard Medical School, who will all be in attendance, may find this just as amusing as I find you.
“Here, I have a front-row ticket. Scalpers sell these for thousands all along the Ebertplatz. You’ll be sitting next to Sigmund Freud’s granddaughter, Helga Freud. I would come prepared, Other, careers delving in the mental sciences, are won and lost here.”
With that, Charli slept the rest of the flight. After the plane taxied, she hightailed it out of the 767’s cabin, and I haven’t seen or heard her since. I RSVP’d at the Symposium, but they said I was never formally invited. Oh, well...
I’ve been needling Charlize so she’ll promote a male orientation for her daughter, Jackson. Because I am the authority in the field of developmental psychology, my viewpoint is the only one worth hearing. Well, Charli actually wrote me back attempting to trump me with the views of the “friendly” Harvard Gender Reassignment Panel. Here are her remarks:
“Thanks for your scribbles, Other, but the Gender Reassignment Panel came back from Harvard with its findings, and Jackson’s 2.78, with a perfectly acceptable margin of error, so everything’s cool.
“Listen, I’m flying into Zurich, then it’s onto Sydney. Gotta win those awards, and plug those pictures. The moppets are with certified nannies. Let me know if I’m starring in your movie. Toddles.
“Wait, before I leave in my private jet, the Harvard Panel decided that I needed to keep Jackson as far away from males as possible so as to avoid gender contamination. If I ever invite you to my manse, you’ll be required to wear a mask of a non-threatening female. I’ve already chosen Doris Day for you from my mask collection. This would be from her Pillow Talk period, when else?
“Oh, and all athletic sporting events must be female ones. Girls’ field hockey, and cheerleading squads wearing skirts are acceptable — and this is top-level Harvard making the decisions, so we know it’s all good. Other, I’d like to say it’s been real, but it did lack gender nuance...”
I’ll be staying a few weeks in Charlize’s South Africa, so I needed to know what’s good eats. I have to be frank here, the selections were not as varied as they are Stateside, but I’m not saying that they’re any worse.
South Africa does have a prestige collection of dried fruit and nuts, apparently they are produced in great abundance there. The Food Lovers Market looked very good, and I’ll be sure to stop in to the Market for the Asian-spiced pork neck roast.
American tries to be everything to everyone, and satisfy everyone that marketing metrics say needs to be satisfied, with scientifically-measured enticements. The South African approach is much more: “This is what we know that you’ll love...”
Charli won a lifetime achievement award from a major organization. You want me to tell you which one, don’t you? Okay, I’ll look it up, one second, and I shall let you know... She won the Career Achievement Award — at the tender age of forty-four — from the Hollywood Film Awards.
In her usual gracious manner, she gave all thanks to me, whom she studied under at the Institute for Advanced Film Studies. I even get the credit for her riveting performance in Monster.
Remember when she waved the gun in the air, and told everyone that this would get her on the cover of the Rolling Stone? All that “improv” was from yours truly, yet I don’t have the Oscar, Charli does. There isn’t any justice in Hollywood. I won’t begrudge — good work, Charli...
Everyone knows that Charli curses like a sailor. Well, now, it’s effecting the bottom line of her movies. Something needed to be done, so now she has a cussin’ jar in her kitchen with proceeds given to charity.
Any profanity she utters means a Benjamin, a hundred dollar bill, goes from her purse into the tip jar. Because of her donations, her cussin’ jar has financed a sewer district in her native Ruwumba. Way to be, Charli...
Okay, I must say this, and jeopardize the super-fine relationship I have with Charlize Theron. Charlize, sit down — no, not there, here.
Better, okay, I seriously doubt that your son who’s now defined as a daughter is so set on being a girl. Does Jackson want a boyfriend? Is he, err she, effeminate in many ways? Long hair doesn’t count. Kids want to look all rock star.
I remember reading that you had a break-up scene with Sean Penn, and Jackson witnessed this. He was absolutely grieving of the whole situation. I understand that his home environment before you adopted him was also traumatic, and left at least a few scars. Well, will Jackson think so highly of men after this? Yet how many men are present in his life today? Are there any at all?
My point is: Before you buy him the Betty Crocker Little Girl Baking Kit, and indulge him with all kinds of crazy girl stuff (and do you ever have the money to indulge him), watch sports with him. See if he would rather be out on the field, or be a cheerleader on the sidelines. I may be way out of line, and grossly oversimplifying the entire situation, but I think I raise important points.
One more point: Why didn’t you adopt the kid who was Harvard, grade school, early admit? Or take on the kid who can bench three of his classmates? Just put him in your home gym, and let him loose.
You wanted to adopt a kid who needed your love the most? Still, the Mensa moppet, or the NFL prospect, would have been far more cost-effective. When everything is reduced to a financial equation, we’re all happier...
Charlize Theron, Oscar-winner, has made a name for herself as an action hero — of all things. In some quarters, this is great. Charlize is super-hot looking, and we get to see her as a bad-ass.
But as far as I’m concerned, this is a waste of her exceptional talents on blood-and-guts combat. True, she’s past forty, and in Hollywood this means that roles for actresses are far and few between.
They must take whatever is thrown their way, even if it involves butchering a sworn enemy in vengence. There is a scene in one of Tarantino’s movies, I cannot recall which one, where Uma Thurman is a cannibal eating her enemy’s carcass by a bonfire.
Anyhow, this is what I fear of Charli, that she’s in some God-forsaken Tarantino movie chomping on the remains of someone’s forearm. If this can happen to Uma, can’t it happen to Charli? Of course it can, and will, if Charli doesn’t leave the dark side of Hollywood...
Finding Your Roots is a long-running show on PBS (Public Broadcasting System), hosted by Henry Louis Gates Jr. In it, celebrity guests learn everything about their genealogy, even learning some things they probably didn’t want to know.
Charlize Theron was on the show recently where her true racial identity was revealed. Born in South Africa, she’s an African American who’s actually White, or is she?
Mr. Gates ran her DNA against the Mumbabwe tribal databank in Dahomey Kingdom. Mumbabwe 16th Century, papyrus birth certificates were kept in a central depository inside a quonset hut, in the middle of every village. Once the show’s investigators found the depository (beneath hundreds of bibles left behind by frustrated missionaries), it was not a problem at all verifying Charli’s genetic results.
As it turns out, Charlize is both an Oscar-winner, and a Black, albino African. During the ruthless, colonial slave trade, the Chieftain had all the albino men and women of their Black tribe intermingle and mate. This way, Charlize’s direct ancestors would be overlooked as slave prospects because they appeared White.
“That’s right, Charlize, your great, great, great, great grandmother was Lamoyne, but your great, great, great grandmother was Mary Elizabeth. How does it feel to be one hundred percent Black African? — if simply albino Black.”
“I am stunned, I’m a Black person in a White shell?”
“That’s right, you were protected from becoming a slave by having your bloodline made ivory, with albino Blacks.”
“I have to tell my kids this. I adopted two Blacks kids and they always looked at me askance for being White bread. Well, now they won’t have to, I’m one of them, right down to the genetic level...”
Charlize Theron is releasing her new stoner classic: Why Everybody must get Stoned. In it, she plays a wake and bake clerk at a super store of an inconsequential town named Dullesville, one where no one has ever gotten high. Charlize takes every customer into the storage closet and proceeds to blow their minds with the strongest sinsemilla.
Eventually the entire town is toking, including Mayor Numbnuts, Pastor Buford, and Sheriff White-bread, all former owners of Dullesville’s once-thriving whiskey distillery, yet now dreadlock-donning stoners...
By the curtain close, Charli is getting high fives all around for her primo bud and cannabis marketing acumen. Why Everybody must... is headed for a Christmas release under Charlize’s own production company, Daphne and Dubuque, and Hallmark Heart Warmers...
Who caught the Golden Globes? And did you see who the looker among the lookers was? That’s right, our Charli Theron. There is a huge professional problem with her beauty, because any one she plays automatically lacks realism. No one but Charli looks this good. Ms. Theron has been relegated to become an Oscar-winning action hero. She is passed over for any serious dramatic scripts.
Well, I have the solution, Charli. You need to look your age, you need to honor your maturity, you need crows feet, you need lines on your face. Then you will have realism, and roles that adults would appreciate. This is how you get that aging: Live for a month in a bus terminal, or in the woods. Follow this with a three-month cocaine bender. This is what is known as method acting.
That is how you succeed in Hollywood, looks do not matter there, we all know this. To get out of the action hero trap, you must look your age, Charli. Now, get ready for your agents constant calls, ones begging you to play wizened women deciding whether to kill for a Happy Meal, or to kill for a cigarette. Oh, wait, did you already play that in Monster?...
Charli finally followed my advice and tried to arrange a return of her adoptive moppets. Things did not quite go as planned, however. Charli presented them to the orphanage, and the orphanage director told her their policy: “Orphans sold here will not be accepted for return.”
Per my earlier coaching of Charli, she started throwing everything in sight: computer monitors, pencil sharpeners (it was an old facility), chairs, desks, on and on. Orphanage workers started filming this on their cell phones, and that’s when things really got nasty.
Ms. Theron started screaming: “I DO NOT WANT THESE MOPPETS!!! DO YOU UNDERSAND ME?!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH WORK IT TAKES TO RAISE THEM!!! TAKE THEM BACK, NOW!!!” And then she ran outside with every employees cell phone and threw them into oncoming traffic on the one-oh-one, where the phones were all run over and smashed into bits.
After Charli told me this, I knew we needed to come up with a better plan, but unfortunately for her, I didn’t have one... Yet, they were orphans from Africa — that’s it! We would Fedex them back to Africa, where they came from! High fives, all around... To be continued...
“Philanthropist” Gwyneth Paltrow
Gwyneth backs many causes, she really does her share to restore the planet. Does Trump give to any causes? As we’ve all seen, he favors Right-wing groups. Does he bankroll QAnon, the ones behind a Hollywood, pedophile, cannibal conspiracy theory? Most recently, Ms. Paltrow helped funding lowering urban infant mortality. To each their own at improving mother earth (or the Fatherland).
From her Emmy-winning husband comes her reading of these priceless gems of dialogue (written when he was just in junior high school):
What do you know about Cee Lo? Because you’re, like, forty.
I’ve dated every type of women: super models, pop stars, politicians, and Oscar-winners. Gwynnie offers the most challenging dating in über-dating service, Let’s Get It On, because she can compare me to others she’s dated like: male models, rock stars, Harvard astrophysicists, politicians, and Oscar-winners. I knew this would be a very difficult matchup, but I felt we could still be good company for one another, and a way to stave off the abject loneliness of being in a hotel in a foreign city, and knowing absolutely no one. When all was said and done, we both got what we wanted such a long, long time ago...
In 2019’s Christmas Goop video with Kate Hudson, Gwyneth said she drinks every day. If you are in anyway familiar with Alcoholics Anonymous, you know this is a sure sign of being afflicted with the disease of alcoholism. She may have taken steps to remedy any dependence, but this note is staying put as an incentive for her.
There are as many opinions about Gwyneth Paltrow as there are stars in the Milky Way Galaxy. Although they generally fall into two camps: lovers and haters. Haters are quick to point out her: Hollywood royalty, family connections; and charmed life. Gwynnie lovers note that her Dad passed away when she was thirty-one, that she survived a very trying marriage, and that her talents on the sound stage are among the best in the world. What’s more, she’s very easy on the eyes, and she’s always very fashionably attired, although she certainly has the lettuce to be...“I just met Kamala Harris!”
“I just met Gwyneth Paltrow!”
Gwyneth Paltrow’s Instagram page © 2020. Gwynnie has photos of herself with every major celebrity alive today — excluding the nasty, Republican ones.
These are many of Gwynnie’s celebrity friends. They are mine as well, but I’m far less public and showy about them.
Glenn Close (a given name whose gender is indeterminate) just pulled a takedown on Gwyneth Paltrow. Close said that her rival’s Oscar was not deserved. There’s a caveat to Glenn’s caustic criticism: Close has been nominated the most, but has never taken home the Academy’s statuette.
Gwynnie won for Shakespeare in Love, and while I may not be the final authority, I know this was a very finely nuanced performance. Two scenes really stand out: When she says goodbye to Shakespeare to head off for America; and the day after she has physical relations with William. Ms. Paltrow has a deep reservoir of varied emotion that Close lacks. Glenn is an angry stiff, and her insensitivity explains her cheap shot. Did Close even watch Shakespeare in Love?
The smart money is that Glenn is leveraging anti-Gwynnie sentiment to enable an Oscar win for herself. Is there anyone she could pick on besides Gwyneth’s Viola De Lessups, that is, the one with the British accent speaking Elizabethan English?
Put Oscar-winning names in a hat, and Halle Barry, or Charlize Theron, could also be claimed as non-deserving, but all three are, in fact, deserving.
Glenn “the Bull” should win for which film of hers — Dangerous Liaisons? I cannot remember one scene from that one which stands out from the rest. Glenn either needs to either gin up her acting game, or get cast in better movies.
Close grew up in “a cult,” and her father was the personal physician of a dictator, so the source of the takedown needs to be fully considered...
Everyone knows that Gwyneth Paltrow is one of the biggest sinners in America today. Church groups regularly condemn her hedonism, and Trump had her followed with Secret Service agents, as well as calling her: “Most dangerous to the moral fiber of America...”
Well, concerned Americans, Gwynnie is cleaning up her act. No longer will she be headlining Goop-sponsored orgies, and boozing it up all hours. These days, she’s in bed by 9PM, and regularly reads the Bhagavad Gita, for enlightenment, and to combat insomnia...
Gwyneth Paltrow, celebrity of record, used to throw out bird seed, cracked corn to be specific, for the hungry, migrant farm workers coming up Route 101.
Now, instead, she puts out PPE, personal protective equipment, for the indigent. True, this isn’t so highly sought after as food, but it’s done in the spirit of giving, and that’s all that matters to Gwynnie.
In an effort to shed her image as the whipping girl of Hollywood, Gwynnie drives around town in a vintage Mercedes Benz. Mercedes are well-known as Hitler’s car, so Gwynnie is trying to muscle up, and show she can rock hard, and get aggressive, with the worst of them. She’s trying to prove that she doesn’t belong on the whipping post.
Even more disturbing, is that Gwyneth’s father was a Jew. Here, she is seen parading her Nazi emblem during the Biden victory celebration.
Does a $45,000 Goop mattress indicate: That Gwynnie is desperate for cash flow; that by generating buzz from exorbitantly priced goods, she’s a marketing wunderkind; or just that, in comparison, we’re all paupers?
The mattress certainly satisfies on a number of fronts, it is certified by near eight organizations, including one solely for latex. Most importantly, it doesn’t have any horsehair. Whew! All in all, it’s ecological footprint is entirely unnoticed.
It’s “climate neutral”? I’m not quite sure what this means. Does this mean that it insulates like all other bedding? It’s bedding that’s as effective in Canada as it is in Mexico? Certainly buzz worthy, but does it deliver as a mattress, or bedding, or whatever it is?
This is an interesting claim: “non-violent” organic silk. We all know how violent silk gets. Silk worms are abused? Shouldn’t Congress address this in the Capitol, and not Gwynnie over at Goop?
Let’s just hope these mattresses are on consignment, without financial outlay except when they’re sold. Hopefully, she won’t be stuck with millions upon millions of dollars of inventory collecting dust in her Goop mattress warehouse...
Gwyneth Paltrow is joining the campaign to change the motto of California from “The Golden State,” to “The Weed State.” Let’s wish her all the luck in the world. Hey, don’t Bogart that joint, Gwynnie. Ha, ha. He, he. Ha, ha...
Gwynnie posted an interesting photo of her deep within the Paltrow manse. Surprisingly, her house looks like most anyone else’s house.
There were towels on the ground, perhaps to potty train a puppy, or maybe the swaddling clothes of a never mentioned, third offspring besides Apple and Moses.
There were many more knick-knack shelves than the average domicile, perhaps to showcase the return from an African safari, but all-in-all her house looked, well, average.
Inexplicably, one of the shelves had a variety of nests, including bee, wasp, and carpenter ant ones, as well as rat carcasses. You know, these very wealthy people have an entirely different aesthetic sense. Gwynnie’s home looked much like anyone else’s, just put aside the pestilence collection.
Yet there’s one more thing, if you look in the background there is an unusual amount of extra space, space that just leads much further into the distance. Anyhow, Gwynnie is living much like us, if you don’t notice all that’s cavernous in the background (and the pestilence collection)...
Gwyneth Paltrow just posted a naked picture of herself for her birthday. Is this just a public relations move, or has she gone mad? Her daughter was either galled, or amused, as this might be seen as just part of Mom’s job. Are SoCal people much different from Northeasterners regarding public nudity?
Gwyneth is still the CEO of Goop isn’t she? Is this what CEOs do now to drum up business? She’s known for her gutsiness, but why is she getting naked before millions? The home fires aren’t burning so brightly anymore, so this is all to get her Wonder-Bred’s interest back?
Gwyneth, as well as Ashley Judd, Charlize Theron, Heather Graham, and Diane Lane have all appeared nude in movies. Yet cinematic display of the body beautiful in context with a premise makes much more sense.
Why is she taking off her clothes on her birthday to make an Instagram post? Gwynnie’s trying to single-handedly reach Goop sales quota? This is only gratuitous cheesecake to generate buzz?
This is Gwynnie’s first Instagram nude. She’ll need to up the stakes next time. How about a full frontal, or make it a threesome with Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore? Get the censors busy, Gwynnie.
There isn’t any question that she looked great, so this is proof of concept that her health regimen is producing tremendous dividends. It was a tasteful, yet softly focused photo. Still, her kids must have had a question or two.
Marketing texts generally demur from proposing that CEOs boost sales by posing nude. Showing off a well-toned body is not textbook marketing, but is Gwynnie ever textbook? She is an American original, even when she isn’t acting her age...
Reese “Ambition” Witherspoon
(Photograph by Tabercil from the 2014 TIFF)
A big shout out to Reese’s husband, Jim Toth, who had taken ill. You know, Jim, there are lessons to be learned from illness. For instance, if eating a dozen Milky Way bars put you into hypoglycemic shock, then next time, you know to eat far fewer Milky Ways. Anyhow, get well soon...
Reese owns a clothing company called Draper James. To honor the teaching profession she gave away 250 dresses to teachers.
In a class action lawsuit, teachers cried foul that Reese did not give away enough of her dress inventory, that 250 dresses wasn’t enough. This litigation makes the “Frivolous Lawsuit Hall Of Fame.”
Reese, you have learned a very valuable lesson here: Never be generous to teachers ever again. The hours that I’ve spent on your case are billable. I’ll sue you if you don’t send me a very generous check in the five-figure range...
In the latest Legally Blonde redux, Reese Witherspoon plays retired Grandma Elle Woods, Vegas habitué, cruise ship-veteran, and Judge Judy watcher.
The plot centers around Elle being scammed out of her Bingo winnings by an elderly, veteran card shark (played by Jack Nicholson), and how she gets it back with the help of the LAPD, and the Los Angeles Court System.
Christina Hendricks plays the LA DA looking everywhere for justice. Heather Graham plays the LAPD Sergeant needing to nail “that suckah” before she can retire from the force at full pension. Her detective sidekick, played by Gwyneth Paltrow, in her very first crime procedural role, scours the streets for “Bingo justice.”
Ashley Judd, plays the Supreme Court Justice who has a burning interest in seeing justice done right. Charlize Theron is the unusually cute, if not very bright bailiff, keeping the peace in Ms. Judd’s court.
Hey, Reese, we know you’re friendly with Kerry Washington, and we know she’s Black. Then you know how taboo it is to have a Black girlfriend like her. Reese, you might be blacklisted by Hollywood for contact with the Black race. Plus, because you’re a Southerner, you know you have to keep social distance with Black folk. You’re supposed to stay with your own kind.
Whatever you do, don’t bring it to the next level, and mix socially with Hispanics and Asians. We don’t need double trouble. Or if there’s a Native American on set, no powwows, you’d only be asking for a career ending spectacle, with cross-burning (or Apache equivalent), witnessed before Entertainment Tonight, and The New York Times.
Reese, I know how to at last get your career going. First and foremost, “Keep it White.” Mix with your own skin color, this is the only place to find true friendship. Whites are so successful, because of inbreeding, and exclusiveness.
Reese, you reached out to me. You wanted to know how to finally get your career going. So I made this your new mantra: “Keep it White!!!”
Reese I’m not saying to be ashamed of your Black acquaintances, but you must never be seen with any Black woman in public. If you go out to lunch with one, and there are paparazzi, be safe, and run to another restaurant without photogs for cover. You’ll thank me for my progressive and patient mentorship. Remember, Reese, please: White is right!!!
Reese is a very thoughtful woman who doesn’t believe in blatantly displaying her sexuality. This is in sharp contrast to tawdry Duchess Kate who relishes any and all opportunity to flash her booty.
Reese has said that she will never openly display her sexuality in any men’s magazine. This isn’t just because of her upbringing — as she claims — but instead, because she had issue with her own physical appearance.
In her Vanity Fair feature, she claimed that “funny doesn’t sag.” Hers may one day sag, yet don’t sag yet, but she’s running out of time to prove it. Otherwise, she’s saving up that Maxim pictorial for a guy she hasn’t yet met.
(Reese, I know that gentlemen never tell, but I have payroll to make, and a multinational to run. Sorry...)
Reese has done her best to alienate Pantheon screeners who are now vetting for the Oscars season. Somehow, top-level Other Letter has found it to forgive her for her many, many indiscretions (see below concerning Oprah’s treatment of Michael Jackson). That said, is there anyone perkier, and more upbeat in Hollywood as Reese is? She competes with Taylor Swift for the sunshine crown...
For all anyone outside of the Witherspoon family knows, Reese’s husband may have died a few years prior. No one knows if any of the Pantheon husbands are even alive, because they rarely hang out with their wives in public.
They have the strangest, non-committed marriages. Why would they ever get married, if they don’t absolutely adore the ground on which each other treads, and don’t want to spend every waking minute together?...
Reese Witherspoon was removed from an Other Pantheon because of her close ties with Oprah Winfrey. Oprah was the one who said “Hope lives” after Trump was inaugurated. Winfrey also allowed those who testified for Michael Jackson in court, to testify against him on Oprah, so they can promote their new movie.
In Reese’s moving, yet a bit rambling, excerpted, 87-page attempt to get back into the Pantheon, she claimed that Oprah was just a, and we’ll quote:
“...a ton of cocoa blubber...[and that] The Other Letter welcoming a dwarf such as myself into the Pantheon has made my lilliputian burden that much lighter to bear...You are a national treasure, Other, more so than even Streep, of whom I agree with you, she does overact in her movies...
“Put me back on your Pantheon, and I’ll even show you my world class collection of Elvis memorabilia, including his headband and cape from Viva Las Vegas! It is in mint, I mean mint condition. I was at an Elvis swap meet just last November, and I scored these beauties.
They’re insured for over $10,000, but they’re priceless, just priceless. Other, these are museum quality, easy. Where is Elvis when you need him? You know what I’m saying?
“I’m up for almost every role in Hollywood where they need a kid who has the acting chops of an adult. As a dwarf, I can play children, I regularly get offered these parts. I even tell my agent to underestimate my height. I’m five-foot-one, but I tell William Morris to say I’m four-foot-seven. I mean every actress overestimates her bust measurement, why can’t I fudge my height a little?
“Quentin had called my agent just last week. He’s remaking The Sound of Music, and I’m up for Liesl. I’m getting down the method acting for her now: ‘I am sixteen, going on seventeen, la, la, la.’ I cannot wait. This is a plum dwarf role, in a long line of plum dwarf roles I’ve played. Playing Liesl? This is every actress’ dream come true!!
“Quentin said he’ll be playing up the carnage side of The Sound of Music. You know, when the Nazis invade wherever the Hell it is they invade.
“Anyhow, I really admire Quentin for his use of bloodshed to advance the narrative. Mister Tarantino told me that Liesl will be toting a semi-automatic rifle for her entire performance. I’ve got my finale down cold: “The hills are alive with the sound of rat-tat-tat.” I’ll be singing it, because the Julie Andrews role doesn’t make it past the First Act.
“In the Swiss Alps, she dies in a friendly fire incident, one related to the war effort. You know when they escape at the Von Trapp performance near the end? In Quentin’s version, there is no escape. Bodies laying everywhere bleeding in the theater. Talk about drama. Isn’t that a fascinating use of artistic license? Quentin is a genius.
“I’m getting a little tired of playing characters where they strap me up on stilts like with Kiss boots (I had them play at my kids’ birthday party), or Elton John boots. You know, from his early days. Or they’ll say, ‘We can’t use a dwarf, Reese, we’re sorry.’ But I’m not breaking my ankle for any movie anyhow.
“Give me a shorty role, and I am one happy girl. Playing Roseanne Cash, they had me on stilts. Shh, I’m not authorized to discuss my height prep for Roseanne. But that’s why I stopped auditioning for adult parts, my podiatrist said I had to avoid more sprained ankles, or I wouldn’t be able to stand up without crutches.
“I’m Hollywood’s go-to for adults playing kids. Kids can’t remember their lines for beans anyhow. I’ll tell you though, I’m really looking forward to Quentin’s Sound of Music. They just need to sit me in the makeup trailer a little longer so I look like a teen, or even a tween. Shoot, to be getting any parts at forty-three! I’d play a newborn.
“And if you look at what I can do, and what I’ve done, my nearest midget competitors in the history of Hollywood were the Munchkins from the Wizard of Oz. And did they win Oscar gold? Of course not, they were untrained dwarves, but I am a supremely-trained dwarf. I took the all-time biggest dwarves to the mat — no pun intended.
“Other, how’s that for success in Hollywood? I’m a legend among midgets. I am so worthy of inclusion in your Pantheon, so worthy. Don’t disappoint me, I can get you a job in Hollywood. We all started in craft services, can you flip soy-burgers?...”
“Famous” Kate Hudson
Kate Hudson wears a surgical mask and gloves to the super market. This is obviously not enough. She needs to wear a head-to-toe, hazmat suit with full-face helmet and oxygen tank. When will Kate have enough protection from the elements? That get-up may approach what she needs...
Kate received her Oscar nomination for Almost Famous, don’t call me to the mat for calling her “Almost” Kate Hudson.
Dream girl Kate Hudson didn’t miss a beat in her Oscar-nom, yet she only received the Academy Award finalists, not the Oscar (Marcia Gay Harden won in 2000 for Pollock).
The role of super-groupie-hipster Penny Lane was made for Kate, in part because of her Rock ’n Roll lifestyle, great looks, and kind nature. In many of her movies since though, critics had little to say except that even her beautiful, warming sunshine was not enough to brighten these screenplays’s dismal prospects.
Ms. Hudson carries herself as someone older might, yet she is only a youthful-looking 40 years old. She is famous friends with Gwyneth Paltrow.
Kate has appeared on Glee as Cassandra July, famed dance instructor at the occasionally celebrated New York Academy of the Dramatic Arts.
Ms. Hudson is a devout Buddhist, as is her Mom, Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-in alumna Goldie Hawn — and just like her Mom, she is much smarter than she appears to be.
Sofía “I’m Up Here” Vergara
(Peter | © 2012 American Broadcasting Companies, Inc.)
Sofía Vergara had planned on a career in dentistry, and was two semesters shy from completing her undergraduate degree, when a photog noticed her on a beach in her native Columbia. This led to modeling work, and then to co-hosting Fuera de serie (or Out of the Ordinary), a travel series where Sofia reported back from exotic locales all around the globe. This show, and her beautiful, effervescent personality, made her a huge hit in the Univisión Latin American television market.
Because of turmoil in her homeland, she hoped for a better life in America, so she moved to Miami. (Her older brother was murdered during a kidnap attempt in 1998; and in 2011, her younger brother was deported back to Columbia.)
Ms. Vergara has appeared in several movies and television shows — both English and Spanish-language — but the vehicle that really moved her show business career into high gear was Modern Family.
For her Modern Family role alone, Ms. Vergara earned four Golden Globes, four Primetime Emmys, and seven Screen Actors Guild Awards. The financial periodical Forbes ranks Sofia as the highest earning actor on United States television.
Sofia appeared with Reese Witherspoon in Don’t Mess with Texas about a prisoner and a police officer on the run. Sofia has great, sexy dance moves you would never see North of the border.
Jessica “The Tycoon” Alba
Jessica Alba is the cutie-pie with the absolutely adorable, megawatt smile. Considering Jessica has been in 50 movies in her 33 years, she may well be one of the hardest working women in all of show business. Ms. Alba chooses to work in the most unusual films. She has been in Machete, and its sequel Machete Kills. She appeared in It Has Begun: Bananapocalypse, and had a leading role in more mainstream films like Little Fockers.
Ms. Alba recently wrapped up a sequel to Sin City entitled Sin City: A Dame to Kill For. With the redux, Jessica reprised her role as Nancy, but unlike the very well-received original, the next edition met with lukewarm reviews. The reason it was even made is because Hollywood would much rather bank on remaking a successful, known quantity, than take risks on anything new yet unproven. Watching the sequel, one got the sense that the director behind the second installment of the franchise, one ten years in the making, spent much more time on visual design than spent time rewriting the script — assuming the premise had any more life in it, and it may not have.
While Jessica’s biggest money-makers are in the sci-fi, action-thriller genres, including Fantastic Four, and Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer, one readily gets the sense that she possesses the intellect to do much better than appear in those simple fantasy roles, or crime-thriller ones like Awake or The Killer Inside Me. In fact, Ms. Alba studied acting with William H. Macy and his wife, Felicity Huffman (the ones who were nailed in an admissions sting), at the Atlantic Theater Company, one developed by Macy and David Mamet, the Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright.
An avid swimmer and PADI-certified scuba-diver, Jessica was well-suited for the part of Maya on the television series Flipper. Sky Angel, as IMDB Pro lists her alias, elevated her game a notch or two playing Max Guevera in the TV series Dark Angel, a role which won her the Golden Globe.
Ms. Alba co-founded The Honest Company, a distributor of 100% natural home and baby products. The company fulfilled an unmet need in Jessica as she has two young girls, and she found it difficult to find products to care for them that were non-toxic. The company floated an initial public offering expected to raise $1 billion in corporation capital for Jessica, and the two other co-founders, as well as an investment consortium.
Albz — she definitely has interesting nicknames — identified with feminism by the age of five. While her family is very conservative, she was always the opposite. Ms. Alba broke ranks from the Church after she was hit on continually, and the youth pastor said it was because she was dressing provocatively when she knew she wasn’t. He said that the unwelcome advances were her fault, that she was coming on to these leches, and that she had to redeem herself for her past. Jessica saw the weak roles women played in the Bible, and this further alienated her from Christianity.
Ms. Alba is regularly included on listings of the most desirable, hottest, and sexiest women of People, FHM, GQ, Empire, and Maxim magazines. Directors want her to be nude in their films, but she has a no-nudity clause inserted in all of her contracts. Unlike many of her peers, Jessica has also made it very clear she will never sleep with anyone to advance her career.
Besides all this, Jessica gives as much of her time and energy as she can to Habitat for Humanity, environmental causes, AIDS prevention, and women’s and gay rights promotion and recognition.
(Still from The Dark Knight
DC Comics, Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc. © 2008
Seen here and elsewhere, Maggie
possesses an irresistible and charming glow.)
Maggie seems so endearing and sweet, but she’s married as the day is long, so we won’t be putting any moves on her...
Sadly, Maggie Gyllenhaal is not getting all the parts she very richly deserves. While obviously a looker herself, Ms. Gyllenhaal is so much more than just the eye candy seen of every other starlet. As a rule, Hollywood people don’t have degrees, yet Maggie is brilliant. She has an Ivy League sheepskin from Columbia University as ample testament.
She is also an Academy Award nominee for Crazy Heart, plus she was nominated for the Golden Globes, for Sherry Baby and Secretary.
She may be best known for her very sexual portrayal of submissive Lee Holloway in Secretary. Besides her performance, Maggie can be credited with risking her reputation in favor of making an accurate portrayal of a troubled young womna...
Maggie has said that one of her favorite turns is playing the lead in a meaningful, and timely, mini-series from the British Broadcasting Corporation (the BBC) called, The Honourable Woman. Ms. Gyllenhaal portrays Nessa Stein, daughter of an Israeli arms dealer who ultimately turns the destructive family business into one supporting communication infrastructure between the Arabs and the Israelis...
Maggie has a soft, honey-sweet, and beautiful speaking voice. She is a shoo-in for commerical work which she has apparently avoided.
With remarkable candor, Ms. Gyllenhaal discusses being a new mother on the Chelsea Lately show.
Kirsten “Turn-on” Dunst
(Promotional still from On Becoming a God in Central Florida)
There’s a bit of an X-rated optical illusion in play below...
I’ve seen several of these Pantheon women (Kirsten seems to me like one, Gwynnie seems like another), and who they get saddled with as marital partners — along with dealing with excess baggage like offspring. (Offspring aren’t excess baggage unless they are accidents, as they seem to be in some cases here.)
Saddled is probably the wrong term, but an unhappy marriage — especially one where their kids may not be healthy because of constant fighting — is a major burden that sucks the life right of, well, life.
I don’t know any of these women, or their carefully-chosen spouses, but they do seem to have really settled. They’ve married down. They marry much younger guys, they marry far less successful guys. There is no point in having these husbands tag along on to the red carpet with these women, their “better halves” don’t have any star power.
It seems like there’s a lull in their career, and they hook up with the next acceptable candidate for life-long companionship that comes along. They may be ignored by their industry, and shut out at awards ceremonies, so they do the equivalent of slumming it. As they say: Marry in haste, repent at leisure...
Kirsten’s star is on the rise though. She’s top-billed in On Becoming a God in Central Florida. Ms. Dunst was most recently on the Sirius Radio Network where she lamented the lack of appreciation she has gotten for all her great work.
At Other Letter, we know the real reason Kirsten hasn’t been getting the kudos she deserves — her boobs are too big to be taken seriously by Hollywood. To casting agents, she’s got a corporation up front, and this corporation says porn star is her real calling. Big knockers are not taken seriously when the casting director is looking to fill a Grace Kelly-esque part.
Kirsten has said that: “My boobs precede my reputation wherever I go, I can’t help it, they do. They intoxicate the audience, but they’re just boobies, you know what I’m saying? So I’m typecast as the flirty sex pot. If everyone will just see around them for once, I’d start taking home awards trophies. I just bet I’d be taking home gold by now...”
Kirsten was at Coachella, except she spent some time at Churchella. That’s some goofiness her manager pulled on her, we’re pretty sure: “Go to Churchella, Kirsten, improve your movie demographics with people who spend all day praying for forgiveness. You’re not getting the roles you deserve, Kirsten, spend Sundays at Mass chatting up the congregation. Work your fan base.”
Managers like to suggest Church chat to their clients, unless there’s a new Kirsten, one who loves Jesus the Christ. It’s just too sad to contemplate.
Amanda “Linda” Seyfried
(© Nine Lives, LLC.
Nine Lives still)
Amanda had quite a health scare at the age of nineteen. She was absolutely certain she had a brain tumor, and that it was going to kill her. She was diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and depression.
Until the age of seventeen, Amanda took classical singing lessons. This prepared her for the role of Cosette in the 2012 film adaptation of Les Misérables. Ms. Seyfried can sing in perfect pitch, just listen to how she sings and plays guitar on the Sixties classic, Little Red Riding Hood. Amanda also has Bette Davis Eyes.
Amanda lives life on her own terms, and possesses quite the intellect. She studied meteorology for a spell, even hoping to make it as a career before people noticed her acting abilities. Ms. Seyfried is also fascinated with taxidermy, and she has several museum-quality specimens — yes, taxidermy.
Katy “Tay’s Understudy” Perry
Does Snow White have to be a blond?
Katy is being sued for $150,000 because she posted a photo onto her Instagram account of herself taken by someone else. She was decked out in a Halloween costume.
The implication is that Katy pocketed $150k in Katy-traffic by not offering attribution — except she’s not selling anything. Then did Ms. Perry contribute $150k to her bottom line by posting this photo? How on Earth did they ever arrive at that $150k figure?
Is it because she’s well-off, so she can be soaked?...
Some of her best songs include: Wide Awake, Waking Up in Vegas, Roar, Firework, Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.), California Gurls, and I Kissed a Girl.
Given her writing and performing interests, it’s surprising that her parents are both Pentecostal ministers. Katy began her career singing California Gospel and initially had limited exposure to secular, non-religious music. The next genre in her musical evolution was country compositions. Again, a far cry from what she sings today.
Katy is not from money, and her family struggled for awhile when she was young. Unlike many of her peers, she has done significant charity work, specifically relief efforts in poverty-stricken Madagascar with UNICEF.
Taylor “Ugly Duckling” Swift
Taylor Swift was known in grade school as the taunted, gawky, ugly duckling. Has she made it her life’s work to get revenge, and laud it over those bullies? Taylor is not the ugly duckling anymore. She’s America’s princess, the princess of pop, and the queen of gorgeousness. Take that, high school losers...
Taylor was always a crowd pleasing songstress, although now she can add sex pot to her curriculum vitae. She went from average-looking to va-va-voom, gorgeous in three years. I say it’s hair coloring — and getting Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, the bad asses, off of her back.
(Facebook account of Taylor Swift
All Rights Reserved, © 2019, Taylor Swift)
This is bosomy Taylor Swift after she stopped starving herself. She filled out in all the right places. Her entire career, in fact, can be seen as either pre- or post-jugs. I posted this photo when Taylor still looked like a camp survivor, so I get all the credit for her transformation.
Girls, your results may vary. You could make Krispy Kreme part of your routine, and just as easily become a Kim Kardashian double wide, instead of a double-D.
Today’s women have bigger boobs than they did a hundred years ago. This is because they didn’t have enough protein back then, or food in general. The scientists are still hard at work trying to prove my maxim, but don’t worry, I know of which I speak.
After the Folklore Sessions at Long Pond, Taylor’s next Coronavirus, revenue, catchup movie is the Swift-Bieber Sessions, a three hour odyssey of Taylor-Justin duets, self-analysis, and wild banter.
In Taylor’s follow up movie, she visits the Kardashians for Christmas. Taylor ties one on, and amidst taunts from the dynamic duo, she chases Kim and Kanye around the house with a kitchen cleaver.
This cinema verité is called, appropriately enough, Cleavage and Meat Cleavers. This is all to shore up lost Coronavirus revenue, because Folklore didn’t tour.
Her next album will really gear up the sexuality, and will be called Foreplay. It will chronicle Taylor’s early foray into prostitution, before her music career took off. According to Ms. Swift’s press kit: “Sex sells, and we sell it best.”
Taylor just released a movie of her sessions at Long Pond, a recording facility in the Inuit Territories known for pristine sound. It’s part of the Disney+ package, which you subscribe to if you have the $999 a month package with your cable television provider.
Okay, let me explain the not-so-covert cynicism: Taylor has to make up for an entire year of touring foregone. They shipped an album, and couldn’t support it with ticket sales. So they will do anything to recoup their losses, and are now considering having Ms. Swift perform a stripper act, while reactivating squad membership.
If the focus groups approve, expect the Taylor’s Babes Togetherness Show with call-in prurient requests, including lap dances at Long Pond.
Taylor Swift’s recording masters were sold to Shamerock Entertainment. Most surprisingly, she was never given a chance to buy them for herself.
Taylor, if you’re out there, dry your tears. All those earlier albums are old. No one listens to old, hit music recorded after the 1980s, no one is buying Red, or 1989, anymore.
Don’t sweat it, they just paid $300 million for nothing. Believe you me, Taylor, old music, especially Millennial, latest greatest hits, isn’t worth the vinyl it was printed upon. It’s shelf-life has expired. Anything before Folklore is sold at a 90% discount...
The Other Side
Doris “Runs Heaven Now” Day
(Pillow Talk, 1959)
Doris Day (aka Doris Mary Kappelhoff) is a scene stealer. Try to catch any of her films on cable channel, Turner Classic Movies, and you’ll see exactly what I mean — even up against Hollywood legends such as Rock Hudson who seems stiff in comparison.
She has appeared in a great number of bedroom comedies like Lover Come Back, Send Me No Flowers, and Pillow Talk, which not only ride on her considerable sex appeal, but on her comedic abilities. She does slapstick, physical comedy, in these films as well. Doris is also an unusually accomplished singer.
TCM has noted her comic timing, yet what I notice is that she appropriately interprets the script. There is nuance and intonation in the expression of meaning, character, and theme. Of the movies I’ve seen of hers, she carries the show.
Ms. Day was teased unfairly for her demure femininity. The line goes: “I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.” Yet this woman is so inherently likeable. She just melts your heart. Hollywood today is so dour, and so bitter. Doris Day is pure, unadulterated sunshine.
She belonged to a generation of superstars, from the Golden Age of Hollywood, that seemed to just have more star power wattage. It’s as if there was a stronger, tighter-knit community, that established a more suitable crucible for creating screen legends. Did greater camaraderie make for less conflicted stage and screen personalities, ones capable of more fluid performances?
Or were scripts written during a time when the movie production could not fall back on special effects making them that much more effective, and the resulting film that much more watchable and enjoyable?
Ms. Day is an activist for animal rights. She is the founder of The Doris Day Animal Foundation, and is dead set against using animals for fur coats.
Mary “Wrong Party” Tyler Moore
(Still from The Mary Tyler Moore Show
Lou Grant, her boss, was very upsetting to poor Mary Richards.)
While we obviously have no proof, is there a chance that five days into a Trump Presidency, and seeing the havoc he has already reeked, soured our loveable Ms. Moore on not only her Republican Party, but on life itself, and caused her death?
In other words, did Trump turn her world off by being vile? Did Trump make a worthwhile day and suddenly make it seem like nothing? We’re sure now Mary knows it, with each glance, and every little movement she showed it. Trump is all around, Mary had need to fake it, she had the town once, it’s too late to take it. Today, she discovered he might just build that wall after all...
IMDB includes a synopsis of The Dick van Dyke Show, a show where Mary Tyler Moore was once a mainstay. They state that Mary’s turn as Laura Petrie was as a “loopy” house wife, although if you have ever watched that show, every character is fairly loopy.
That turn led to her most famous role, the part of Mary Richards in the revered Mary Tyler Moore Show. Here, easy one-liners were eschewed, and in their place were jokes built on the relationships of well-defined characters. As the theme song suggests, Mary Richards was going to make it on her own, without being beholden to any man, especially when that meant being just her hubby’s wife. This radical feminism was unheard of in American TV of the 1970’s.
I must again take exception to the IMDB biography — otherwise well-written, although perhaps penned by a non-believer — in that they claim in the opening credits, that despite her well-established vegan sentiments, she tosses “meat” into her shopping cart. Okay, that looks like poultry to me, and besides, she is not throwing the package of animal product into her shopping cart happily. Rather, she is doing it with obvious disdain, raising the question to all of us in TV land with half a brain: what the hell is in her processed foods, and more relevantly, what is in ours, being raised in the same American corporate farmlands? At the time, this was a clarion call across the U.S. as people could start to see that what they were shopping for, preparing, then setting on their family’s dinner table, was inhumanely-treated crap.
Mary got the Oscar nom, but not the nod, for Ordinary People in 1981, yet the Hollywood Foreign Press Association had the common, good sense to give her three Golden Globes, and to nominate her six other times. She has also won six Emmy awards.
Ms. Moore has Type I Diabetes and supports efforts to find a cure. To that goal, she also supports the very progressive, oddly anti-Vatican policy of stem cell research.
Yet Mary watches a lot of Fox News, and Ed Asner, her MTM co-star, has said she has gotten much more conservative over the years. Given she: “can turn the world on with her smile, she can make a nothing day and suddenly make it seem worthwhile. Well, it’s you girl, and you should know it, with each glance and every little movement you show it. Love is all around don’t need to fake it, you can have the town, why don’t you take it, you might just make it after all (this is worth memorizing just as I have, you never know when such learned esoterica will come in handy).”
You might just make it, Ms. Moore, if you disavow Fox News. As it stands though, you are hereby relegated to Pantheon probation, which will be lifted once you tidy up your politics, and get with the program. Cloris, Ed, and Betty will have their say on your behalf as character witnesses, if they so choose. We run a very tight ship here, Mary, we suggest you toe the line.
Lauren “The Whistler” Bacall
(“You know how to whistle. Don’t you, Steve?”
Just put your lips together ... and blow.)
Lauren Bacall was perhaps best known for her leading roles as the ‘it girl’ opposite Humphrey Bogart in The Big Sleep, Dark Passage, and Key Largo. Besides film noir roles, Ms. Bacall did have starring, comedic turns such as How to Marry a Millionaire with Marilyn Monroe and Designing Woman opposite Gregory Peck.
Lauren had appeared in movies with a Who’s Who of Hollywood’s royalty including: Henry Fonda, Tony Curtis, Natalie Wood, Paul Newman, Shelley Winters, Julie Harris, Robert Wagner, Janet Leigh, Ingrid Bergman, Albert Finney, Sean Connery, and Nicole Kidman.
Lauren Bacall had just two Academy Awards on her mantel, the first for a supporting role in 1996’s The Mirror Has Two Faces, and the second, an Academy Honorary Award, “in recognition of her central place in the Golden Age of motion pictures.” Lauren was an exceptionally accomplished stage actress as well, having won Tonys for the musicals Applause, and Woman of the Year. Lauren Bacall was ranked 20th of the top 25 actresses of all time by the American Film Institute.
Ms. Bacall was married to Humphrey Bogart, and the couple was good friends with Katharine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy. After Bogart’s passing, she was involved with the Chairman of the Board, Frank Sinatra, blowing him off once she saw who a few of his friends were.
Because Lauren possessed the courage and conviction to speak out against McCarthyism, she was denied the well-earned accolades she deserved from the motion picture industry, Hollywood, and the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. Ms. Bacall will always be an absolute giant in Hollywood who only earned her first Oscar, in just a supporting role, in 1997 at the age of 73.
Ms. Bacall had always been proud of her well-grounded, leftist political viewpoints. Lauren was the first cousin of Shimon Peres, the current Prime Minister of Israel.
Greta “Lonely at the Top” Garbo
Watching Greta play her Oscar-winning, title role in Camille, we see Greta’s character change her mind just with facial expressions. She was really quite a phenomenon to watch.
At a few other points in Camille, she must have been playing for the back row of the theater, as her expressions appeared exaggerated. A sophisticated actress, and screen legend, of her caliber wouldn’t overact though. It must have been recognition of 1930’s projection resolution and screen size limitations.
Greta successfully transitioned from silent to talking pictures unlike Nora Desmond of Sunset Boulevard...
Bette Davis had once said, “Her instinct, her mastery over the machine, was pure witchcraft. I cannot analyze this woman’s acting. I only know that no one else so effectively worked in front of a camera.” This was very great praise indeed...
Greta had interests far beyond Tinsel Town’s confines (sounds like Kim Kardashia, doesn’t it?) She amassed an art collection worth millions. Greta chose not to participate in the Hollywood publicity machine. Greta retired at the age of thirty-five after appearing in twenty-eight films. As she was famously quoted, she would rather “be alone,” perhaps with friends, than play the Hollywood game.
Ms. Garbo never married, and didn’t have any children. She was often rumored to be a lesbian. She did say that she “always wanted to be the boss,” and that her favorite pastimes were smoking stogies, drinking six-packs, and watching boxing matches with unshaven legs and underarms (her pastimes were not entirely confirmed at press time, they do sound much like Madonna’s).
Greta Garbo epitomized timeless, effortless, elegance and glamour. One of the most golden from the Golden Age of Hollywood, she began her acting career in Sweden. Ms. Garbo had a very independent spirit from an early age. She spoke her mind, even more so when there was a just cause to sponsor.
The Academy nominated her four times in the Thirties, but only gave her an Honorary Award in 1954. She did not show up at the ceremony to receive it. Her Marguerite Gautier in Camille earned her the most accolades.
Elizabeth “Superstar” Taylor
An Elizabeth Taylor performance is what actresses see when screenwriters read Shakespeare, in other words, stage perfection. As an on-screen legend (and an off-screen one as well), she is imbued with all the spirit and vitality of Creation. Most performances when scrutinized under a pundit’s microscope, find the slightest of flaws in lack of authenticity or genuineness. If you try to find any in Giant, you will come up empty-handed...
Many actresses seen on the silver screen today look as though the air conditioning on the set was set too high, they just do not look comfortable. Elizabeth Taylor looked as though she was sunning on a Hawaiian Isle. Soft caressing ocean breezes, the field hands all eager to placate her every need. In other words, Liz looked as though she was completely composed, in actresses’ Heaven, enjoying every moment...
Be they co-stars in her movies, or friends in her real life, Ms. Taylor could always connect with people. Early on in her career, critics regarded her sexuality as precocious, with her exceptionally rare, violet eyes adding to her allure. To many inside and outside the entertainment industry, she is considered to be the greatest actress to appear on the silver screen. Gloria Steinem likewise described her as a “movie queen with no ego ... expert at what she does, uncatty in her work relationships with other actresses.”
Her charitable work is also legendary. She won a Presidential Citizens Medal in 2001 for raising $200 million for AIDS research, and bringing awareness to the plight of those suffering.
Marlene “Blue Angel” Dietrich
(Shanghai Express still)
Marlene Dietrich’s depth of character risked her very life. As the World geared for Hitler’s vicious, madman aggression, Ms. Dietrich was offered very lucrative contracts to return to her native Germany, and become the premier film star of the Third Reich. It was an offer she somehow found the courage to refuse, and she became an American citizen in 1937.
In the Blue Angel, arguably her most famous screen role, Marlene played a cabaret singer who brought on the downfall of a once respected University professor.
Even early in her career, she would wear a jacket and tie, or other masculine clothing, indicating her refusal to be subjugated to a male-dominated World.
Ms. Dietrich, an accomplished singer, went to Germany in 1944 with General George S. Patton to perform with the USO. Even though she was just a few miles from the Nazi lines, she felt the need to be there “aus Anstand” — “out of decency.”
In the latter stage of her career, and backed with Burt Bacharach as her arranger, she made many cabaret performances in London and Las Vegas. Peter Bogdanovich observed that, with the songs she sings, “she lends each an air of the aristocrat, yet she never patronizes.”
She returned to Germany in 1960, and received a mixed reception, with protesters shouting “Marlene go home!” and with non-Nazis giving her a much warmer welcome.
She succumbed to alcoholism, and a painkiller dependency, at the age of 90.