Taylor Swift knows the value of a devastating lip gloss more than perhaps anyone else. Her Reputation tour, her 1989 tour, and her latest, the pre-COVID-19 Lover tour, all used the Swifty-Girl line of gloss to great advantage.
Ms. Swift even credits her vast wealth to two factors: Being a musical prodigy. (Does she write stronger lyrics, than melodies? Lyrics?) Her real license to print money though, is her lip gloss line.
Ashlee Simpson skyrocketed to fame once she wore Swifty-Girl Lip Gloss in her Pieces of Me video. Because of its power, cosmetics recipes like Taylor’s has tighter security than the Pentagon. The lip gloss formulation is kept in a vault at the Wall Street branch of Chase Manhattan Bank, alongside the recipe for Coca-Cola.
Taylor has said she will never tour again though, legendary lip gloss be damned. The creative juices have all dried, streamers make it impossible to profitably record music, and COVID social-distancing has denied her the ability to sell-out arenas.
The only one left in Taylor’s squad these days is Selena Gomez, and she’s very, very, disappointed with Swift — who isn’t, given her lack of musical output. Selena cries during Zoom sessions together, watching her bff idly pick up a tambourine, then put it back down as if it were a hand grenade. This is knowing she cobbled together such bubble-gum pop classics of yearning as Love me More than Becky, You Fool!
This leaves her with one way, and only one way, to avoid defaulting on her Breakers, Rhode Island, Mega-McMansion. Like every other woman in entertainment, she will be hawking makeup, specifically her Swifty-Girl, and the profit leader, the newly renamed, Lip Gloss Devastation.
Before we get to Ms. Swift’s latest academic exploits, let us turn to her dating exploits. The following is an exact transcript of Taylor chatting openly about her dating prospects to her hair dresser, only she knows Tay-Tay for sure. This was captured and posted on social media by another customer of her favorite salon, Chez Tease.
“But I only date B-listers, Vanessa. A-listers just don’t work for me.”
“I like to maintain superiority, and keep the focus on myself. I also like European guys with a few acting credits in—”
“Very good, B movies. When reporters chase me. When I’m out in public, I trump. The relationship is only about me, not about the Euro guy.”
“The Euro trash.”
“He-he. Now, now. The Taylor-Gents are all extremely well-vetted. Heard of MRDs?”
“Well, yeah, minimum required distribution. I helped my Dad with those for his IRA, independent retirement account.”
“Huh? Minimum required distribution? What? Eh, no. I’m Taylor Swift, I move with the multi-millionaire crowd, so my MRD, minimum required for dating, is a seven-figure target for asset portfolio. Early on in a relationship, I make sure to discuss the guy’s market position in real estate, you know, is he Rhode Island Breakers, or better, East Village. I want to keep the upper hand, so seven-figure, up to ten million dollars American is my management team’s goal, this is what we’re vetting for.”
“So what shall it be today, Ms. Swift?”
“A playful bob, that is summery without too much blatant sexuality. Sorta chaste for the tweens, sorta sexy for the twenties, sorta me. You know, so my hair says I’m the one. I’m the leader. I’m Wonder Woman™.”
“Sorta you. Okay, gotcha.”
“I like you. You’re okay. I don’t stand for attitude, or guff. I am not looking for a yes-woman, I am only looking for a woman with mastery in her field, hair care. I had a stylist who was so flustered by my tonsorial guidance, she said, ‘do it yourself,’ and then she said the b-word — to me! I’m Taylor Swift!”
“Geez, Massachusetts should yank her beautician’s license.”
“Here’s another treasured, Taylor-insider tidbit: My inspiration for Reputation was the year off I had after Red, doing retail therapy on LPM, Lexington, Park, and Madison. I’m telling you, the East Side of Midtown, DAMN! — or the Upper East Side, COME ON! I will admit this much, I really have it good.”
“[The mobile phone videographer whispers] Roger, that Swift is a monster...”
Taylor Swift is thinking of retiring as a singer-songwriter, and becoming an actress, or even a college professor. She will be starring in Amsterdam among a who’s who of Hollywood super-stars including Robert De Niro, Chris Rock, and Mike Myers.
You’ve heard this already? New York University gave Taylor an honorary degree, and word is out that she wants to teach popular culture at NYU’s Curt School of Management. Tay-tay, as she is known in the biz, has quite the reputation for making money. The honorary degree wooed her into the fold, and many expect her to join the faculty at The Curt. Who better to lecture on pop culture than Taylor Swift, the current Chairman of the Bored?
This is the scuttlebutt: Once COVID-19 is over and done, she will teach at The Curt! Taylor could teach earlier, but she would be contractually obligated to wear a hazmat suit on campus. Swift really cannot mix with the general public anymore, if she gets sick, investors want out.
Swift sits atop the mighty heap of fashion discards and overruns as an arbiter of haute couture, and good taste. Hazmat suits just don’t cut it as NYU faculty and attire leader. When the epidemiologist chicken littles are done saying the COVID sky is falling, Taylor can teach The Curt, sans hazmat. (Is this the first time those two words, “sans hazmat,” have appeared sequentially in the English language? We need to check that.)
Regardless, Ms. Swift put out another album rewrite which we are all desperate to hear. I forget which one, was this the Reputation redux? Taylor is re-recording all her albums under her name. Her work was bought out from under her by her ex-manager.
Swifties were going to be regaled with Taylor playing beside Billy Joel, but Joel management pulled out, citing recent weak performances by the chanteuse at Madison Square Garden. Billy will not play besides anyone on the way down. That’s right, Taylor has not sold out a major arena since way back when, when she was the Victoria Secret emcee. Rolling Stone will soon be posting her advance obit.
Anyhow, that VS formula was magic: Karlie Kloss, six-foot-two, and Taylor, well, five-ten? Although, it was more than just tall, blond-babe action. There was real, girlfriend chemistry between those two. Although, Karlie ended up quitting VS as their show was too representative of the American woman...
Still, they were bffs forever, until Karlie got married and started thinking Right-wing thoughts with her husband, brother-in-law to Ivanka Trump. Once Karlie was three degrees of separation from Trump, Kaylor broke up, sayonara, never again, it was swell, but no more, we is done. Taylor made a song about her sad relationship, one doomed really. I feel it is one of her best. It’s called Dorothea.
Here is a surprise: Taylor is not into boys, she keeps STP oil-treatment cans in her kitchen as unread-cookbook bookends, and was spotted wearing a Kenworth trucker-baseball cap while she put a new timing belt on her mostly-stock ’55 Nomad. Paparazzi, I will pay top dollar for photos of Swift working under the hood (I will pay double going market, if she is covered in grease)...
I hear the clamor: “What is wrong with you exactly? You are a monster! Her music career is going well, she’s straight, and you just felt like trashing a wonderful woman.” Now, whose woman may she be? She’s above me, above everyone, so, come on. Let’s trash Taylor. Plus, Ms. Swift has got everything: looks, talent, money — Taylor is worth $400 million. In honor of the fact that she is perfect, yet is unavailable, I felt I’d show her up. “You have no shame.” Oh, whatever. 7/14/22...
I seem to get better stats, I get more visitors, when I have lighter material. You know what this is like? In Hollywood, talent choose between working for the money, and producing cheap thrills; or for love, love of the project, and its message. Going with sensationalism pays the bills (I couldn’t buy a stick of gum with the “vast sums” never made here).
In that spirit, in an attempt to get anyone at all to read this, and make just a little coin, I go back to my go-to, goofy human interest stories about Duchess Katie. What is new with her?
I am so glad you asked. Great Britain had a friendly race in a pair of hydrofoil sailboats with the island nation of New Zealand, part of the United Kingdom Commonwealth. Katie helped steer so that was really, really exciting. Well, it is.
Katherine Middleton is royalty, you would never expect her to captain a racing sloop, but look at the link, she did. On that Youtube, Katie also said what we all wish we had the soap box to say: Путин, ты просто мудак. Translation: Putin, you are just an a-hole.
Katherine speaks for the world, in her never-ending fight for global justice. Are you thinking a royal, wholesome, yet just out of reach, Batgirl? Yupe.
Kate is a pleasant diversion from all the strife in Great Britain. Because GB doesn’t have a Second Amendment, and omnipotent Supreme Court, things seem to be going very smoothly there. But dig a little deeper, and you’ll see a monarchy in unseemly disarray.
Just a few years ago, William reached for Kate, and she flinched, she’d have none of his PDA (public display of affection). Are they enjoying wedded bliss the same way that Gwynnie and Bradley do? That pair is also oddly distant in public.
There you have it, a complete update on Kate, verboten, off-limits heartthrob to Britons, and more than a few Americans. Let the stampede to read The Other Letter begin. Another marketing masterstroke, critiques of religious hypocrisy put on the back burner indefinitely. 8/02/22...
Gwynnie celebrates the good life, but this does not mean she is a Republican. While Democrats tend to not be aggressive in the pursuit of lucre, some do have money. We call them “miracles”... (Is this a tad obsequious? A tad, that is...)
The GOP actually falls into two categories: fiscally responsible Republicans; and socially conservative ones, those embracing what the Vatican believes.
The former believe in balanced budgets, the government should not siphon away the entire Treasury to pay for programs of dubious value. These days though, government excess seems to be less of a concern, general expenditures are pared down to sustainance levels. The social security safety net matters much more than, say, Medicaid for the poor. John McCain (now deceased), and Mitt Romney, would tend to be more aligned with fiscal conservatism.
The latter, the social conservatives, are the ones that have me much more on edge. They want the end of abortion; and the rise of teenage motherhood, along with unwanted children, and unplanned families. They are against gays and lesbians, because this is effrontery to the teachings of Christ (chapter and verse, please). All in all, they have a one-size-fits-all agenda, that rankles, and starts to sound like early Nazism.
Trump fits this mold. His aggression, and bullying, is characteristic of a demagogue, he uses raw rhetoric that left-leaning Christians would not approve, and he has stacked the SCOTUS with Vatican clones.
As for Gwyneth Paltrow, I follow her on Instagram, and I know that she’s a dyed-in-the-wool Democrat. If she did ever swing GOP, I would have to think she would go for a fiscal conservatism agenda, and not the social conservatism one. (I have heard rumors, not yet substantiated, that she swings in other ways — nudge, nudge, wink, wink.)
But you know what she spends much of her time doing? Making “boyfriend breakfasts” for a husband never seen. I dunno, makes me wonder, trouble in Cinema Paradiso?